My Inviolate Paradise

Proposed.

2012-01-23T21:40:00.009+08:00

Proposed.

All my life I have always dreamed of being proposed. Not really about marriage or engagement ceremony. Just being proposed. I consider it as an event or ceremony as well.

At the age of 23, going to be 24, more and more of my friends are getting or already married. Even some I am not really close too. My sister has also just gotten married, and I do think that she is the most beautiful bride in the world. Or maybe I am a little bias, but I am always bias when it comes to family and close friends. Hehe.

Of course, I also want to get married and have a family of my own. When I was younger, I have this vision that I will be a wife at the age of 23. Despite many might think that I am more of an independent working women rather than the family type of girly girl. Which is one of my mission to want other people to see me as strong and Independent though. Inside, I am actually a vulnerable considering myself a lady, wanting to take care of my own family.

Of course I know that I am not a perfect person for anyone, I also know that no one is actually perfect in this world for me. I would just want a person who is not overall perfect, but perfect enough for my humble self.

When I finally found that person, I would really like it if he would proposed to me. Not just be in a relationship with me, and move on to marriage. I always dream and imagine that he would propose to me to be his wife.

I am happy to everyone, watching their relationship blossoming day by day. But at the same time, I am jealous.

I was the maid of honor on her big day. :) That is my beautiful sister in white with her loving husband looking handsome in the black tux. Oh, not forgetting his brother as the best man.

***Waiting for another 5 hours to see you. Come back safe.

Mandate.

2011-12-04T16:29:00.002+08:00

I had so much fun these past 2 weeks. Completely honest, not looking forward AT ALL to go to work, even with the new air of a new office in Capsquare. Not that I have anything against Capsquare or rooting over Menara all along, just that I think its kinda fun, not working.

Travel a lot? Not really. I practically spend my time at home hibernating. Haha. I went to some places, was of course light up my holiday even better.

Gosh I feel like just quitting and learn how to sew or make my own business. As if I have the talent. Growing up, I wonder how it is working. I don't really think that I am bad at it, but in a way I put all my heart and soul into working because I have to. My actual heart is at home sweet home, but ridiculous ain't it to not be working? Its like wishing my mother to slap me on the head.

I learnt a lot lately. I do realized that learning about life is never ending. To actually see how human thinks, how they react on certain things. Its very hard to explain on how a trip can make me feel bad about how I treat someone. How foolish I am to think that I am nice enough, and unselfish. Where in reality I am not that nice, and I am selfish.

I guess for man and woman, understanding is the key important thing. I'm pretty much confused about my status atm so, please don't ask me what am I right now, personal and work life.

I believed that it really takes time to really understand someone. Even if you can predict what he/she going to say and react at that exact moment, you can't actually be sure of what they are thinking and how they actually feels over something.

Realization is a bitch, but its more that a good thing once you get it. Its awesome. There are a lot of things I would like to improve about myself. I would not like it much regretting over something. I would and will always takes everything as a lesson. So, after this I would like to give chances to myself to improve. Chances for you and myself to experience.

I would really like it if you forgive me too.

Till then,

Another lengthy and hard to understand post. I am twisted like this. My specialty. :)

Secrets

2011-09-29T01:48:00.005+08:00

It's 1.49am and I am still awake. I'm in the room in Cheras, yawning for the 90th times I think.

This morning when I woke up, I remembered that I thought of an interesting topic to write about. Time passed by with tonnes of unfinished things at work to deal with, I totally have forgotten what was it that I wanted to write so much this morning. Well, maybe tomorrow comes and I'll recall.

Few of my colleagues resigned today. So, the conversation about resigning came up. Ppl were asking me when am I planning to resign. I guess the topic spreads around to everyone. Well, this is my first job anyway. I bet everybody are just planning to just step in 1 foot to get the feel of the 'professional' job air, the other foot remains at the same place for them to back off when the time is up. I am not sure of how long will I be in CITI. But what I wanna do before I leave is to clear off whatever possible mess that I did. I wanna leave with people knowing that I am a valuable asset. Rather then just another newbie leaving. And its harder to achieve that then I thought. Right now, there is a lot of things unsettled, and I'm not satisfied with my performance anymore. I do feel grateful that I'm at my place, not just a normal analyst. But I hope that I could perform better. I am still young and learning. I wish I could learn more and do things faster. And to handle everything close to perfectly in order. Hm..

People might think that I am not so sure of what I want in life. I don't think anyone knows me much at all. For some reason, I will keep some things from someone, without even realizing it. I may tell one person about my personal life, but none about works. Some about my dreams, but none about my problems. It's a natural habit that I've done over the years, of course in a perspective it's not really wrong.

But to be honest, I kinda feel a bit lonely at times. And when I've decided to share it, something is stopping me. Right now, its getting heavier and heavier inside me, that it makes me an angry person a little faster. Since last week I've been trying to control it. I was never really an angry person until recently. Keeping too much secrets in myself is causing a terrible burden in my own heart and mind.

I just couldn't understand even if I try, why is it so hard just to share something sometimes. I may talk. But just on random things. Or maybe I just kept quite and listen. The worse thing is, I didn't really give any feedback to them, and I was actually thinking about something else in my head. To cover up, I would divert the story into my own version of it.

I feel kinda lonely. The more I want to spill the harder it gets. Now, its even so hard to tell that someone about my feelings. What I've wanted to say initially, will changed into a plain and normal daily conversation.

Well, I love to just look at people being happy. In a way, someone that is so close to me smiling calms me. So, this helps a lot. :)

So, that's about it. Another pointless writings. Another post with no pictures at all. Haha.

Till then.

Coming Raya

2011-08-27T14:21:00.011+08:00

It has been a while since I've sat in front of the PC at home. To be perfectly honest I do miss my house here in Cheras, even the bad smell of the annoying Vuvu & Jabu urine deosn't hurt much. Listening to song on Youtube. Its close to heaven.

Sometimes, its sucks feeling like I want to write more and more about whats happening in my life but I feel like its best if I just don't. Publicly writing is kinda fun. I did that before, however to bare what happens next when things go bad are just not awesome. So, I rather distances myself. Away from technologies almost impossible to say since I deal with a lot of computers at work, but in general maybe a little bit away from social networkings.

I do have some fun. Sufficient enough to keep me smiling all day. I've met my school friends last week if I'm not mistaken and that was fun. I do have to also say that it was partially awkward, it has been awhile and I still remember how an arrogant and unfriendly person I was in school. But as ppl grow older, they've changed a bit. Not just physically, I guess in a whole? This must be funny coming from me, but I am looking forward for another gathering. :)

Right now I am waiting till 3 pm till I can get ready and see my old and closest mates from school. We are going to Kuala Selangor. It will definitely be awesome. :) I'm also waiting for a text, if this person just reach the designated place. I'm having moments of giggle over Vuvu and Jabu stalking my sister whenever she goes, my mother with her new super impossibly working small sewing machine, complaining about my brother not being at home today. Small moments to appreciate. Its even better if Op and Abah are at home now.

Awaiting for Raya, I hope it will be better than awesome. Proudly speaking, this is the best achievement so far for puasa month. No further queries please. :P I haven't been such a good daughter, granddaughter or a friend lately ever since I've started working. Sometimes I do think that ppl surrounds me don't despise me, they just really hate me when I am working. Haha.

So, Happy Becoming Raya to all. I'm not sure whether there will be another post on Raya. :P Assalamualaikum.

Talking to the moon

2011-04-05T20:10:00.002+08:00

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbors think
I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I have
You're all I have

At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon
Trying to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I'm feeling like I'm famous
The talk of the town
They say
I've gone mad
Yeah
I've gone mad
But they don't know
what I know

Cause when the
sun goes down
someone's talking back
Yeah
They're talking back

I'm addicted with this song currently. I know it's kinda lame to actually upload lyric to blog post but you know. Whatever.

Anyway, nowadays I'm such an angry person. I'm not really quite sure whether I'm PMSing or something. I'm getting annoyed thinking about how I reacted over the smallest things on earth.

I'm not that horrible when I am angry. I've seen worst though. Not as close as hulk or something/someone similar to that. But still. Hmmm.

I've trained myself to not be emotional. These few days, I've failed miserably. -______-"

So, it kinda sucks. Not loving myself lately.

I am also, dead broke!

I am hardly broke, but right now I swear by the end of the month I'll be just eating bread every lunch.

So, to conclude everything in the nutshell. I'm near to hating my life right now.

Also the fact that I'm struggling to be on top at work. Sometimes I think I am trying to hard to be in the center of attention. Maybe I should lay low for a couple of weeks.

I need some motivation.

Mistakes

2011-03-27T01:58:00.002+08:00

I have made tonnes of mistakes. Uncountable even if I try hard enough to just think about it.

I keep on shutting ppl off one by one.

I'm sorry. But I guess I'm just scared.

I'm scared of what will come next.

Almost all of the person who starts confessing their slight feeling towards me, almost definitely will get shut out of my life. I know that is mean. I just don't want to risk it anymore. But yet again, what I am doing right now is just plain wrong.

I'm tired of explaining myself. Most of the time I just think that I am not good enough.

Don't be tricked by my smile. By how friendly I am. I have my insecurities.

Living with a dark past is not an awesome walk down the road. I'm doubting almost all of my action.

I'm sad and sorry that I am losing friends more and more.

Just because of a slight confessing.

I'm not at the point that I am ready for ppl to confess to me and I have to act normal about it.

I'm sorry for all of the shut downs.

Silent treatment is just as worse.

Now I am just confused.

Soul searching? Hmm. I don't know.

Why is it so hard to just be friends? I need time.

Malacca

2011-02-06T05:03:00.002+08:00

What I have been up to for the past few days?

CNY holiday?

Hanging out.

Haha, just practically hanging out with new friends. Meeting new people are fun. It has always been fun. Sad that I kinda realize it later in life. Damn, I sounded like I am dying or I am at my 69 years of age or something.

To be honest, every time when I am in a relationship I would be so caught up in making my partner happy that I care less about getting to know anybody. Things change.

I know, I keep on talking about relationship and being single blah blah blah. But hey, as someone who has been in a relationship one after another, back to back since I was 17. Being single is something new. It doesn't come naturally. So, forgive me for being a little bit jakun. So, bare with me.

Anywhoo.

What I am doing in Melaka?

EAT!

and laugh! and one particular thing that I am forbidden to write here. Haha.

And just hanging out at the beach. Dan berbuaian seorang diri. :)

I've met a lot of ppl that is funny and entertaining. That are already added on 'The person I care' list. I am going back later this morning I hope. Its already 5.14 am and I am typing instead of sleeping.

I am going back to my normal non hectic life, a little bit boring.

But I am going back to see Fara, Dira, Boboy, Ina, and the rest. I miss them so much. Its kinda funny how much I miss them.

I am going back to my silly brother, my pretty sisters, my lovely mom, my dear dad, and my beloved granny.

As soon as I reach home I will miss them in Melaka.

The crazy bastards that I love. :)

I guess life is not as bad as it seems.

Your life suck? Mine is not.

Kampung

2011-01-13T01:15:00.003+08:00

So, I just realized something about myself.

Oncen - 'Tido ngn Kak Nina mesti x pasang air cond/air cond tutup. X best'

Kakya -'Naik kete ngn Nina mesti kena lowkan volume, low kan air cond, bwk kete slow...'

Opi - 'Kak Nina x nk potong rambut? Nowadays short hair is in tau.'

Kakya - 'Dye la rambut Nina, nnt nampak less oily. Plus, rambut hitam je slalu'

Nenek - 'Kau ni kalah aku makan ulam'

Nenek - 'Kau tak sejuk ke mandi xde heater? Aku menggigil gigil'

Mama - 'Nina memang bawak kereta slow eh?'

Rakan bekerja - 'Cik bunga hari ni x pki bunga kat kepala?'

Rakan bekerja - 'So, you really love this globe things huh? I see you playing with it all the time'

Rakan bekerja - 'Syaz suka minum air abah2'

Abah - 'Memang trend family ke salam masa new year?'

Rakan - 'Syaz kalau ajak concert/clubbing mesti x nk punya'

Rakan - 'Syaz pg mall mesti x nk. Unless nk shopping'

Anga - 'Nina, karaoke lagu happy2 pulak nak? Yang x pyh suara kena sedap2'

-___________-"

Yes yes yes. I am kampung lahhh.

I like to drive slow, I like to be in a car with people who drives slow.

I don't listen to music loudly. I will get headache if so.

I hate to sleep with the air condition on. I can't stand cold stuffs. Cold drinks, mints whatever coldy coldy. I just can't stand it. I don't hate it. I can't really tolerate it. Hence, air abah2 = air teh o panas, or whatever panas or suam. I don't like cold drinks, what other options do I have? :(

I like my hair to be long. And black. And wavy. And messy. When its too tame, it feels like its not me.

I like flowers. Full stop. Yah yah, flower on my head everyday. I'll feel incomplete without it.

I love globes. Love love love love.

Funny thing, I can stand showering without heater. In fact, I don't really like the water to be to hot. I hate cold, but I can shower with cold water. Wth?

I eat ulam. Nenek hiperbola lebih, but I do eat it at times.

I will salam cium tgn mama every new year. Now ada abah, so abah sekali lah. I guess I was stuck in school for so long, I feel that its a need to do such things on New years.

I don't do club/concerts because I will get dizzy. I prefer the beach, or library or something like boring like that.

I don't get malls. Unless I need to do some shopping, or accompanying ppl to shop. Plus, I don't really shop much. I rather go to the zoo, or jog or do something rather than pointless walking.

Anga sayang, Nina mmg suka karaoke lgu jiwang ntah apa2. Haha. I love sappy songs. Like Celine Dion, Misha Omar, Siti Nurhaliza, Corinne Bailey Ray. Har har har har har har

So, I am kampung. Whatever.

But I SHISHAAAAA~~ (Thanks Op/Fara for making me addicted to it)

God (2)

2011-01-05T21:05:00.002+08:00

Continuation of God (1)

I guess a lot of readings are not as good as everybody thought.

I started to hate Muslims at one point. I only attracted to different races.

Until I realized, they are all the same. Judging a person via races is as wrong. I wanna know everything so bad, wanna prove that I am right so bad, that I lose a point in life.

I fell in and out of love. I lost faith. I lost faith in morality. I lost faith in religions. I felt like a lost soul. I don't understand anything. The more I try, the more I failed. The more I read, the more confused I get. I only pray when my mom asked me to. Or my granny. Respect is a different thing.

I lost my uncle with his battle through cancer. I've joined the reciting of Tahlil, and I was shocked of how fluent I was reciting the words of Yaasin. How I still remember Ayatul Qursi. How I can read the Surah-s nicely and clearly. Its very weird to explain. It felt like, something or someone is forgiving me. Of my sins, or my wrongs. Little by little, I started to believed Allah. Not just god. Allah.

When I was down after a terrible break up, I turned to my colleague of what to do. She asked my to pray. Ask for guidance. I hesitated. But I actually did listened. I willingly prayed. Not because nenek was nagging. Just because, I want to.

There was this one night I was praying and I cried of no reason. Cried.

I am also, insomniac. I can't sleep most nights at all. By the time I can sleep, I have to wake up to go to work. Or send nenek somewhere. Or mama call me to do something at home.

I am so tired almost every night and day. I still laugh and make jokes and be sengal and bugs people, but my dark circle darkens every day. Doctor prescribe me sleeping pills, drugs to sleep. I rarely take them, but I still do because I needed my rest.

These few days, I was hanging out with group of friends. Yah, I can't sleep most nights so why not right?

Everytime after hanging out I will call a certain someone. I mean, we are just friend. Its nothing, but everytime before I sleep, he will say 'Assalamualaikum'. At first it felt awkward. But later on, it felt awesome. (-_____-')

Just 1 word calmed me down. Sometimes, I purposely call him to hear that. But of course there should be a conversation before I can hear that, or its just seems pointless.

I guess he must be tired of me bugging him every time. Haha. But just a simple word, makes me sleep.

Drugs, sleeping pills? It doesn't helps me at all. It dozes me off in a serious deep sleep, but it makes me feel, erm depressed.

But just a simple Assalamulaikum and Waalaikumussalam makes me smile and sleep.

I decided not to bug him anymore though.

Its funny how a simple girl at work, and a nice guy who greet salam change my perspective in life.

I am not saying I am totally gonna change, gradually I will.

Right now I am just thankful, and glad that I trust in Allah. I believe there is him out there. I believe that one day he will forgive me.

Thanks to the 2 person who gives big impact in me.

No books or preachers can replaced you guys.

I guess this is my journey in finding religion.

Ustazah Sabibah once said,

'Kalau x cukup iman jgn ngengada nk baca pasal agama lain'

Guess she was right huh?

God (1)

2011-01-05T20:28:00.003+08:00

A big big big title right? Lol. I know, very much please.

It depends on how certain people is raised. How the family shows their love to you, how religion matters, or maybe its not. We can see some family with young kids wearing tudung, covering every inch of their skin. At a very young age. Some family, have a bar at home. Most families, are just normal families.

I am no one to judge.

At 13 my mom sent me to a boarding school. Where I learned more about religions. More about the Quran. Where I recite Yaasin every thursday night, Al-Mulk every night, where Ayatul Qursi is always in my head, fluently flowed from my tongue. I'm not saying its very easy for me to do so. It came to me rather forcefully. School made rules of what we students should do. Almost everything is compulsory. I hated it. I hated it so much.

At 17, right after the big exam SPM I went out to the real world. Find a job. I enjoyed my life. I enjoyed the money I made. I enjoyed people spending a lot of stuffs on me. Splurging. Of what I think it is called life.

Truth be told, that is not life. A night out doing stuffs I forbid myself to write here. Its not life. An incident made me hate Malay guys. An incident that created a monster inside me.

I watched how people who prays 5 times a day, who recite Al-Quran everyday. I watched them say bad things about other people. Judgmental towards them with less educations. Not helping the old ones, abandoned their loves. Calculative about money, calculative about what they did, its like nothing is sincere.

I watched hypocrisy happens. Good person in front of certain, not as good in front of others. Even talking about it making me feel like vomiting. I wonder, if you are as close to someone, why do you have to lie about your true self. There is a lot of things I am not very proud of, when I did it. I just don't say it. To my close friends I am honest. I decided not to lie. Guess what, they still accepts me for who I am.

I watched people say they are not gonna do this, not gonna do that. Scolding and yapping about how they are not me. How they have boundaries. When shits on their face later when people witnessed they did the thing the claimed they didn't do. I watched, annoyed. But I guess its a syndrome. Some people just like to observe.

I watched how slutty girls donate, how a low wage foreigner helps an old lady before she got hit by a bus. The same person everyday helps a blind crossing the road, take a bus to the University. Not me of course, I'm not proud of it, but I didn't help much. I just. Erm, watch?

I experienced a lot of things before I decided that I don't trust in god. There is no god. There are just humans. We just existed.

I read about Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Jews, not just about my own religion. Until I got confused. I was confused of what is right and what is wrong. My teacher once said, don't question how god existed, just believe in him. I decided I want to find out.

Curiosity killed the cat. Curiosity confused me. My decision of trying to find out, its kinda a good decision after all.

Have you ever stare at the wall thinking.

Staring at the wall wondering. Where are you going if you die? At one point, I just thought, when I die, I am just dead. I am just worm food. I am nothing. Practically at one point, I think life is just useless.

Kucings

2011-01-04T11:14:00.002+08:00

I love animals. Cats = animal. So, I love cats as well.

But they are so messy, and have to agree that they treat human like slaves.

My sister once said cats are the cutest thing on earth. I don't know whether I should agree, or agree to disagree. They are cute. Even when they feel threatened or threatening something or someone, they still look cute.

Especially when the cat is fat. OMG, everybody will die for a fat cat.

I went back home to get a spare phone, my old loyal phone is busted.

I reached and enter a house turn dumpster.

No wonder mama called me to come back. Ada udang di sebalik mee.

My mood turned sour. I started hating my cats. Stupid cats.

In the morning I woke up, my cats were making awesomely cute face begging for food.

I put some 'cat breakfast cereal' for them.

Now they are on on my lap sleeping.

See, I don't know how, but I think they just put a spell on me overnight.

And I am letting them piling up their fur on my clothes.

I love to hate you cats. But I just love you.

New Year

2011-01-01T15:23:00.002+08:00

My new year celebration was fun. No fireworks, false hope, coz of the bad weather in Genting. But hell hell hell fun.

Thanks to Oncen, kakya, and kakya's friends - Fara, Aboy, Jimie, and Apit.

You guys really made my day. Ehh. Night. :)

A long talk with Jimie along the way back home - adding up to another thing I would like to start doing for this year.

I should be more adventurous and less lame.

I wanna be stronger.

I wanna find a guy like '-----' but have no connection to my family whatsoever. Erm, maybe. Hehe.

Hahaha.

Can ar?

Think positive.

I love my life. Hihihihihihi.

Malaysia

2010-12-31T03:13:00.004+08:00

Hey, Malaysia. Not bad, not bad at all.

I am sorry for hating you and wanting to get the hell out from you for so long. Haha. Guess, I'll be here for a while more huh?

Congrats Malaysia Team. :)

Anyway, I know I hadn't been blogging for quite awhile. Lol, its not like I am a famous blogger or anything. Nowadays I prefer to write than type. I guess its due to too much typing at work, I don't really wanna see the screen anymore when I reached home. So, my blog was left untouched.

These few days I was hanging out with my sisters' friends. Its kinda fun. But you know, it seems like I don't have my own group of friends to hang out with. Hahaha. I mean, I know Sabrina is in Malaysia right now, Dira is always there. But, by the time I want to hang out with them, its already too dark in the night it just felt wrong. Will go out with them every Saturday and Sunday though. I think so, if they are free. :) Or I will bang their door kick their car, scream at the top of my lung, 'HOI BAGI MASA KAT AKU SIKIT, CEPAT LA SYAITAAANNNN!'

I will, trust me. Plus, I know their houses. Ngeh ngeh ngeh. Nice plan Syaz, nice plan.

So, as today is the last day of 2010, I decided to make some new year resolutions. I am not the type who actually make resolutions but hey, its not something negative so, why not right?

Don't feel like updating it here though. I might just write it in a piece of paper, and throw it. Hehe. It will always be in my mind though. :) For the whole year I hope. The longer the better.

To sums up this year, well. Erm.

It was OK I guess. I went out of a bad relationship, to an awesome one, but it ends still. I wasn't sad for long, because I felt pointless to make myself miserable, purposely. As Forrest Gump said, Shit Happens.

I lost my dearest Uncle. Al fatihah. It was sad, but it was time for him to go.

I graduated, didn't go for my convocation yet, but still graduated. Note, I am not the study type. So, not studying feels awesome. haha.

I got a decent job. Its not really stressful. Yet.

I get to know new people, which is always fun.

I lost a lil bit of weight. Noktah.

Realised I am stronger than I though I was.

Moved out of Cheras, to Wangsa Maju (worked in Fridays btw). Later moved out of Wangsa, to rumah nenek in Gombak.

Currently living with my granny. I might get fat again. -_____-'

I learned that, life doesn't suck if I decided that it is not suck. Life is just hard. So, do whatever I want that doesn't hurt other people, and it makes me happy. Being miserable for long doesn't helps. Thinking negative making everything worse. Take good out of bad, better out of good, best out of better. Be strong, not because everyone expects me to, but because I want to. Crying is not a sin. Cry if it makes me feel better, sing if I am upset. Do something to not think about upsetting stuffs. Don't just move on, strive on.

I'm waiting for you 2011. Please be nicer to me huh.

Till then.

Instinct

2010-12-19T00:00:00.002+08:00

These few days, my maternal instinct is raging like crazayy. I know it sounds pathetic, I'm like only 22.

But I can't help it. I want my own babies so bad. Not just 1, I want like 4 of them! hahaha.

Naahhhh. 1 should be enough. But really, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Logically, this kind of instinct should occur (this level of instinct I mean. Hihi) when somebody in a relationship. Not out of it. I mean, the next person who wants to be with me. I will force him to marry me that time itself. har har har.

Ok, that totally doesn't make sense. But seriously, if I'm in America or something I might just walk to the doctor office, and ask for some IUD or whatever it called sperm injection. Lol.

I want baby so baadddd man.

Lemon

2010-12-12T12:00:00.003+08:00

Every time when life gives me lemon, I make lemonade or lemon meringue pie or something. But right now, even if life gives me gold, I will just stare at it.

Usually if anyone put me in the city, instead of hearing the honking, the traffics, I look more at the beautiful sky scrappers, the wonderful sky, the road leading me to another place that I might not know. When you give me a rose, I will appreciate the beauty, rather than the torn that is hurting me. A white shirt with a black dot? Its just a little black dot, I'll find a way to make it gone.

I'm saying, its not that I don't realize the bad stuffs, I do. But I appreciate life as a good things rather than bad.

As everybody says that, being too positive is not good. I learned to just not listen to them, as for me who thought that I am smart enough, they are the negative energy. You want to complain, be negative, hey its your life not mine. Go ahead, live your negativity, I don't mind.

But as what had happened, I now know that, its not they are asking me to be negative. They are saying, that I need balance in life. There is sadness, there is happiness. There is war, and there is peace. Balance, not one sided, just balance.

For some reason, I don't really like to doubt people. I accept them as who they are. I might get angry and sad at their decision, I rather talk and ask, than scold.

I see how couples fight. I see how my previous partners scold me over my past. Scold me over simple mistakes, scold and scold. I hated it. I hated it so much. So, I just didn't do it.

People may say to learn from my mistakes. Right now, I don't know what are my mistakes. Should I start be negative, start investigating in relationship, start to doubt and have trust issues, start raising voice, be protective, irrational, and argue more often. What?

I treat relationship like gold. I do.

Every time people tell me to learn from mistakes, I wished they would have tell me which mistakes to learn from. Don't easily trust somebody. How do they know the person next to them, who claimed to love them so much, is not telling lies. I know everybody have issues.

I wished I can move on easily. I wished I can change myself, but I don't know how to change myself anymore. The next thing of being better than now, is maybe start trying to be god or prophet or something.

Or maybe I should start being not as good, start being a a slightly bad person to get what I want?

And then there is KARMA. What KARMA do I deserve, if I took care of my family. I took care of my grandmother, of my late sick uncle until his deathbed.

What have I done, so gruesomely that I should change myself.

What changes are people talking about. I wish I knew. I wish I know myself even more. I wish I can stop digging and thinking of how to change and what mistakes should I learn from.

Change

2010-12-11T10:45:00.001+08:00

I don't need revenge. I just need you to change.

I don't need you anymore.

Please die a slow and painful death.

Moving on

2010-12-10T17:32:00.002+08:00

I have to move on but I don't know how to.

Its general knowledge that life is hard. I had known the fact since I was old enough to think what's right and what's wrong.

Right now, I don't know what is right and what is wrong any more.

I don't know anything. My heart is hurting, my mind is bleeding.

I can't sleep, I can't eat. I want to runaway. Far away from here. Just for few moments, far far away from here.

I need to push myself. I need to be strong. Right now I am not strong enough. Right now, I am just like a lost soul. I feel like I'm a zombie rather than human.

I tried to always be there for everybody, but it seems like no one is here for me at all.

When there is a person who took care of me very well, in an instant, he just fled away.

Been lied, been lied, been lied.

I hope I am strong enough, but I am not.

I've been living in serenity for quite awhile, and I am not as serene any more. What is there for me, I felt nothing.

No more tears when I cry, I can't tell anyone what's bugging me. I can't do anything.

If I am the side to give advice, I will ask myself to stay strong, and learn from it. To believe in myself that I can do it. To move on and forget it.

But I'm at the side of seeking advice, and that advice is easier to be said than done.

I don't know how to move on with so much great memories.

I don't know how to move on when it had been fun, and I felt loved and safe, and awesome.

I don't know how to pack everything and just throw away.

My family out thr who is reading this, please don't question me. I kept things as secrets because I hate to be judge. I always thought I am smart enough to live my life, but guess what, I am not.

I tried to be positive, but all the time my positivity was intrude. Everybody starts using me for my positive energy. I know I did some wrongs in my life, but this is just hard to swallow.

Its just very hard to trust a person now. I don't know how, but I have to.

Move on move on.

In my heart I still want to wait.

Damn you.

I don't know

2010-12-09T20:09:00.001+08:00

Whats right and whats wrong anymore. All I know is, I've been lied to.

I want the truth, cause I'm hurting. I don't know what to do.

I can't tell anyone, I'm in a very dark place right now. I need help.

I need help so bad.

Tomorrow

2010-12-07T23:00:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is the day that I've been dreading.

Its coming anyway. Tick tock tick tock.

I hope for the best, for me and for you.

Please don't forget me. For whatever I do, for who I am, for everything that we've been through together.

I'll be missing you.

I'll be waiting for you to come back.

Pls come back.

Message

2010-11-28T16:43:00.003+08:00

His last days were all about messages. Take care of granny, take care of mum, take care of the cat. Taking care of everything supposed to be taken care of. But to me, he just looked at me and said, "Nina jgn makan byk2. Nnt gemuk tak cantik!". -_______-"

Well, I told my granny that and she said, 'Ye lah, kau slalu jaga orang, Buat apa dia suruh kau jaga orang lagi'. It does make sense though. Or maybe my she said that to make me happy.

I didn't get any sad messages from him or any last will for him to say to me. His last days was just calling me, and as I was standing in front of his room waiting for him to say, or ask me anything, he just kept quiet. As I went away, he would call me again. This would go on and on until I was dead pissed off. One time, I told my granny, 'Nina xmo la jaga cikman. Nina jaga nenek, nenek jaga cikman'. My granny just laugh and say 'Yelah. Kau ada sini pn da cukup'.

My granny asked me to go through his stuffs just now. Which 1 can be thrown away, which have to keep, and which to give my cousin. As I went through his stuffs, I realized behind the very very very tall and big person he was, he was also a very sentimental person. His drawings was mesmerizing, his writings was wonderful. I felt bad I didn't get to know him very well. I mean, I was very close to him, but it was just like a normal uncle niece kind of relationship. He would tease me for being chubby and I would sulk. I would asked him to treat me 'ice cream WALLS jagung' and he would straight away start his bike's engine and bought 1 for me.

I didn't get to treat him with my first job salary, as he went on the same day.

I do miss him. Even cleaning his room is heartbreaking.

My granny asked me to take his room and turn it into mine. Its impossible for me to do that right now though.

I decided to do a paint job before I move in. Less like his room, more like mine.

I will always miss you.

Good bye for now.

Alfatihah.

Abdul Rahman Bin Hussein.

Roomless

2010-11-22T21:17:00.004+08:00

Its not fun not having a room for yourself. On 8th December 2010, I am a girl without a room.

I bet everybody have their share of stories about sharing rooms with someone. Maybe sisters, brother, or friends even. It can be awesome, sucks, happy, shitty, well anything is better than none.

When I was in my junior level in primary's, I was the kid who was sharing room with her 2 sisters. My brother was very young, and like every other young kids, he was sleeping with my mom and dad. Our house was small, a very tiny single storey house with 3 bedrooms. My dad have a lot of things, so the 3rd room was just practically all his stuff.

We grew older, and my parents decided to buy a bigger house for more space for the family. At the age of 11 we shifted to the bigger house in Cheras, which is my family house until now. The neighborhood was a quiet one, and I am happy that it is like that. Families with small kids everywhere, kids around my younger sister's age was on every sight. I was brought up taking care of my siblings, so I generate a liking towards these kiddies.

So, there are 4 bedrooms in my house. 1 downstairs, and 3 up. At first we have a lot of stuffs, the downstairs bedroom and storage room was filled with I don't even remember what. Anyway, we made a deal of me sharing room with my younger brother. He was still young, and he was afraid of the dark. Every night, I will tuck in my dear brother on his bed (it was a double decker bed, he demand to sleep on the top side) and when he was asleep, I would go down to my bed and sleep.

My dad hardly sleep with my mom as he has thing with sleeping infront of the tv. So, on nights that I slept earlier, my brother would crawled to my mom's bed, sleeping with her instead.

As I enrolled in a boarding school at the age of 13, my brother decided not to sleep in the room anymore, since he dislikes sleeping in a room alone. Young kids, go figure. My room was left untouched for quite awhile, and then my sisters grew older, they started to buy a lot of things. My room was the 3rd store room in the house at that time. I was practically sharing room with my 2 sisters because of this, and not enjoying the queen size bed of 3 person.

At 15 I decided that enough is enough, and I needed a room for myself. With a much needed arguments with my elder sister over spaces of the bed, I basically clean and did a whole make over of a store room turned a nice girlish room. My younger sister decided to share the room with me, because she is closer to me than my elder sister. (They are like fire with fire, cant seems to be together for long)

Of course, she was young. As I left my room for her care every time I went back to school, the next time I came back there would be another arguments. The double decker bed, this time mine was the top side, would always had some bags, or other unnecessary stuffs on it. I hated that. And I hated the clothes everywhere (which was normal for a teenage girl's room actually).

As soon as I finished schooling, I decided to transforms the room downstairs into an actual room. There was already my elder sister's single bed, so I just need to pretty it up a bit. But this time it was really challenging. There was also this mentality of putting stuffs in my room since my family were used to the fact that it was a store room. Sometimes, I did let them. But sometimes, I would turned into an incredible hulk and screamed at whoever who put junks in my room.

Years of screaming, my room was finally my own room, the place where I spent most of time at. My serenity.

Now, my younger brother is not as young, my mom has remarried, so my brother needs a space for himself. I am not living at home anymore as I am renting here, in Wangsa Maju. I decided to give my room to him, and I bet he is happy inside, even he is not showing it.

But mentality, my mom and sisters still treat it as if it is still my room. My job is correcting them nowadays, constantly telling that the room is my brother's and not mine anymore.

I still do all the cleaning for him though. And the toiletries are all mine. Haha.

I am going to move in to my granny's on the 8th. No more renting out, just being with her since my uncle is really sick right now. She is deciding whether or not she should stay with my other uncle in Seremban, so she will get help of taking care of my sick uncle. I will still be at her house though, taking care of her cat.

Her house has 2 rooms, hers any my uncle.

I don't have a room for myself anymore. Its kinda sad actually.

But hey, I sacrificed for a good thing, and I will have a story to tell my kids 1 day.

Ha Hu Hi

2010-11-16T21:20:00.004+08:00

I don't really have any idea as what I should put as a title. Hehe.

I have been tired this few days. Travelling from one end to another, plus going to work the next day. Sacrificing, but it is the right thing to do.

Speaking of the right thing, if you are old, and sick. And you are taking care of your son, which I can say terminally ill. Hoping everyday for your other son/daughters grandkids even, just to give you a phone call. Just a simple phone call, will do.

A phone call, it doesn't cost much. You call your boyfriend, your fiancée, your best friend even, I am wondering, how often do you give the old one's a phone call? Especially at the time they needed most.

Do you at least send money to your old one's, sincerely from your heart. I am young to be talking about this, but it is devastating that people who can afford big houses, nice cars, don't care about the older people in their life.

A simple phone call. Please, at least. I am speaking on behalf of someone very so very dearest to me, about how much she is suffering daily. How sad she looks every time I pay a visit. But I can't do anything much. Its not me she misses the most. Its not me that can help her the most. I can do what I can, but as far as I'm concern, there are a lot more people capable of doing what I am doing, more than that even.

But they didn't. What will if 1 day, it happens to them. Trust me, it will. Everybody grow older. Even yourself. You'll get back whatever you've done. It will be a straight kick to your ass.

I am not angry of what burden I am carrying. Calculative of what I did and what they didn't. Its just self realization. I am not doing what I am doing because I want something in return. I don't want any inch of money from what I managed to help. If I want money, I'll work. I do what I am doing because of love. That's my motivation for now, and I hope forever it will be.

But then again, I can't say that I am a very good person. So far, regarding this matter, I am the better person. But until when? No one knows.

Maybe 1 day I might just turn up to be the same as everybody else.

I am no one to say anything. I am just 1 person on this big world we call Earth.

I am scared of the future, and how it will turn me.

I hate

2010-11-10T19:17:00.002+08:00

1. When I am having a terrible headache/migraine, and I'm not free to take a rest.

2. When I am in need of hug, but there is no 'one' to hug me.

3. Waiting.

4. My hair when its oily.

5. Bad bad bad movies.

6. People who come late to work.

7. My fat belly.

8. The fact that I'm trying not to keep vengeance on ppl.

9. Waking up later than 7 on working days.

10. Being broke.

Blogs

2010-11-10T00:28:00.004+08:00

A lot of people are asking me, why am I still writing in my blogspot, and not making a new account in Tumblr. Most of the time, I just gave them a warm smile. Most of the time, I was too lazy to state any argument regarding the matter.

From what I realized, most people who has a Tumblr account, they are not really 'writing'. Its just random tags of what they like personally, and some pictures of celebrities, quotes, and the simple and light stuffs like that. I know, how stereotypical of me to say that. To just judge Tumblr like that right?

But you see, I've seen most bloggers who actually writes before became this type of blogger after joining Tumblr. Its like, its a new way of blogging or something.

So, to them who are still wondering out there. First of all, I don't have an Iphone or blackberry or any Androids correlating me to Tumblr. I am fine with blogging online. Second, yes, I agree that I rarely blog, but when I do. I write. I love to type a whole long story-like post, and its not just random pictures.

For my last argument I like to state that I like to read. So, when I am blogwalking, I expect to find something interesting to read. Or some exciting colorful pictures, mostly from photographers. I can read and read and read until I became sleepy. Especially when I don't have any source of books, or magazines, most of the time I'm in front of the screen scrolling and scrolling. Never ending scrolling.

And no, I don't really read pretty girls blog so much. Unless the content is not repulsive. I don't really like blogs with unnecessary pictures. Its like, if you want to put a picture of something. Put pictures representing the situation on that day. Pictures as in further details in the story you are blogging about, then its fine. Its also much better that way. But when its just like a picture of you in 3 different ways, defining nothing on your post. It is rather, repulsive.

I remember there was this 1 time I told a person that I love to read blogs. So, she told me about this person, which is kinda a famous blogger. She gave me the link, so I started reading.

And the blog was pointless. The blogger is pretty of course, beautiful in fact, so maybe thats why a lot of people read her blog. Every post there is a cam whore photo, and the 'part-time modelling' thing, come on. Not everybody can be Hanis Zalikha. And Hanis's blog is fun and funny. She is not just a pretty person.

Also realized there is a loooottttt of people trying to blog like Hanis. Be original people!

Anyway, the next day I ask her, 'What is her fascination with pretty girls. They are just another person. Even the blog header its her face, its kinda - not nice'. She later admit that, if there is no cam whoring picture in a blog, whats the point of reading. Its not like you know the person.

So you know, everybody has their own way of blogging. Everybody also have their ow preferences of reading what type of blogs.

I personally love reading blog with a hell lot of writings.

Most of the times, the best blogs I read are from Doctors and Lawyers. Doctors are rather funny. Its more fun when they are married with kids. Its how they are managing their family with that kind of situation. One of my fav blog : www.mamasygaina.blogspot.com

She has nothing to do with me, but she writes interesting stuffs.

And of course, ppl like Xiaxue. The more racy your post is, the more interesting it gets. I truly understand why she is famous.

Maybe I am not ready for Tumblr. I need to be less stereotypical before I do that folks.

On a side note,

Adik saya masuk tb k!

History of Names

2010-11-08T05:59:00.005+08:00

There are so many names in the world to choose from. No, I am not having a baby to talk about giving names to anybody, just randomly talking about my favorite names.

When I was a tiny little baby came out from my mother's womb, dated August 13th, 1988, she decided to name me Elyora. Because, for her its a nice name and it matches my sister's, Elya. But, after a while of rationalizing, and a lot of name suggestions, she decided again, to name me Syazlyna instead. So, thats me. Syazlyna Haron to be precise.

I grew up, not hating my name, but I hate the fact that most 'veteran' people, chinese, and indians tend to mispronounce it. Not to forget that instead of Shazlina, or Syazlina, or, Shazlyna, my creative mother spelled it Syazlyna. (Which now I love because not even once in my life I found anybody with the same name spelling as mine. Hihi.)

However, its not that very awesome. Comparing my name, with my sisters, Elya and Sofia, their name is all over the world. Its like, when you see a 'Sofia' in any movies, most of the times it is for a beautiful little girl. And Elya, its not rather generic like Alya or Alia, you can see her name in many many Hollywood movies, (Usually for guys though). Hehe. However, if you convert it to Japanese, its Eria. See how beautiful it is huh? Compare to mine. 'Syazurina'. Its funny. Anyway, thanks to Peanut for translating my name for me when we were 15 years old. :)

On a side note, my family nicknamed me Nina. I rarely tell anybody outside family to call me this, as I don't really prefer anyone except family calling me this. But you know, when the person knows me from my family members, they will call me Nina. And not Syaz, the nickname that I usually tell a person that I've just met.

Back to my favorite names. When I was 12, I joined my sister (actually by her influence) message board-ing. Practically, the message board was about games and animes, more of her stuffs than mine, but at that age whatever seems nice is nice enough for me.

So, my sister decided to named herself, Princess Shana, (Shana Hime). I thought it will be rather boring to just put my name Syazlyna. After a while of thinking, I remembered reading something in the library (yes yes yes, I was a geek. Siap menang tokoh buku apa jadah masa sekolah rendah ok.) about an astronomical light and it was beautiful. The name of the light was AURORA. Thus, I am stuck with the name since then.

Isn't it pretty?

As I entered high school, I felt it was rather embarrassing to use a name which was not really mine, and with the people in the school that love to hate everything about a person, I kept it rather a secret. But if you know me online, you must not known me from my own name Syazlyna. It was always and always Aurora. When I couldn't put just Aurora to my name, I added 138 on the side, eg; Aurora138/Aurora1388, because its my favorite number. And its my birthday date.

However, at 14 I was making my yahoo email, none of the names was available. I was devastated, but since most Aurora there was a mixture of purple, and I love silver at that time, I named my email silverylavender. Which is funny now, since silver is not my favorite color anymore, and lavender is just another opt for purple. I am still using my silverylavender@yahoo.com btw, but just for YM.

When I reached 15, I had this thing going on with me. That was, I couldn't cry. (Not now though. its easier for me to cry nowadays. :)) Not a single tears. I forced myself to cry, but the tears just not coming out. Every time when I was sad, my heart felt like ripping itself, I would be so so so down, but there were no tears. None whatsoever. I did cry sometimes, but rarely. So, by the time my sister was pressuring me to make a friendster account, and gmail afterwards, I started using SilentTears instead of Silverylavender or Aurora. I still use Aurora, but not as often.

By 17 I became girlish. I started to become addicted with flowers. I realized my favorite flower is White Orchid, from a chinese show I watched with my grandmother. I became obsessed with the flower. However, at that age I remember there was a conversation with my closest friends, about how they hate it when guys gave them flowers. And how flowers are cliche' and stuffs like that. I decided to not tell anyone about my new obsession, and how stupidly girlish I was. It seemed ridiculous and embarrassing.

When I entered University, I started to use the name White Orchid as often as I can. I bought orchids for myself, I decorated my diaries with flowers, anything with flower just make me happy.

As soon as I started to blog, I was thinking thousands of times about what name should I put. Instead of naming myself White Orchid, I put Aurora. Because I was scared and sad that I might lose that name. Its not like how I opt more for SilentTears rather than Silverylavender. SilentTears suits me better still. Aurora was the name I started of the first time I knew how to online. So, it will always be my online profile.

Every time I wanted to change my name to White Orchid, I always had some weird heavy feelings in my heart. See, how attached I am with my childhood online name? Haha.

I decided to change it now, because I think most ppl nowadays realize how often they see me with a flower on my head. Well, its still a new thing for some out there who hasn't seen me for quite a while, but if you are working with me, might as well you just call me the flower girl.

I LOVE FLOWERS AND I AM NOT ASHAMED. :P

I still use Aurora for my id in some subscribing page, like GSC and stuffs, so its not gone. :)

As for my blog page name. INVIOLATE PARADISE. I will talk about it more when I am free. Its like every time when I decided to blog, it will be miles long. Haha. So, till next time.

Love,

White Orchid

Obsession

2010-11-05T15:49:00.007+08:00

My current obsession - Make up.

Since the day I put on my corporate dress, with 3 inch heels (yes, not 4 or 5 inches since I am taking the lrt to work ppl), I started to came back to the person I was, 5 years ago. When I was 17 going on 18, I was working as a banquette staff at a few hotels in the city. So, my daily routine was waking up at 7, hitching a ride with my sister to the train station with my mp3, an yes. Wearing make up an hour before my shifts.

I was promoted because I was generally very consistent in wearing make up every day (obviously that is not just the reason, just one of it. :P), even when I was super duper luper late. But of course, I wasn't really that awesome in putting on make up.

However, my skin complexion suits my simple make up style. I don't really look ridiculous. That era, I didn't really know so much about youtube and all the online web page teaching girls how to and what not to do when applying make up to our face.

But generally, I was ok.

As time passes by, I stop working in any hotels also stop putting anything on my face, except for some SPF foundations, tad of 2 way cakes, and lip balm. Until now, I do think that these are necessary almost compulsory for me to apply every time I am stepping out of my front gate.

I also stop practicing my daily skin regime. It was almost like, as soon as I stop wearing make up, I stop caring about my skin and how I look like. Generating - Pimples.

I became fairer because of the SPF foundations though. Not as fair, because ppl always thought that I don't have any pimples, but yet I actually do. Just most of the time I found super nice foundation to actually cover it up, without the tendency on splurging on expensive concealer.

After years on laziness and taking care of my skin depending on moods, I landed a job. A conversation with my dearest about putting on make up to go to work was a funny thing. Of course, he was being practical and rational about it and ask me to please do put on something. Which I was hesitating since I didn't put on any for quite some time, and generate this bad feelings to most ppl in Malaysia who tends to put on too much make up for my liking.

I was scared that I might evolve into one of them.

To be honest, I was getting much better even from before the conversation. When my mom was getting married last May, she actually hired me to do her make up. For some ridiculous reasons, she kinda trusted me to paint her face rather than anybody else. With a little funding from her, I bought necessary face brushes, eye shadows, and a blusher that suits her complexion. She is of course, much fairer that me. Her make up for the day turn up to be awesome (sorry for the boastfulness. hehe), thanks a bunch to youtube, making me an inchy bit confident when guests started asking which make up artist did her face.

So, I am actually packed with all these make ups, and brushes that I just store without using any since May. I still have few colors that I bought that time, which I didn't even use at all.

The morning when I was supposed to report duty on training, I took out all my make up from my ugly make up bag. Thinking what color should I apply to my eyelid, which eyeliner should I wear, and what tone of blush should I put on. I was very excited that morning, to be honest. It remind me of last 5 years, when I was excited every morning as I am now.

Until now, I still get excited waking up every morning, choosing what to wear, which to put on. I don't really think I put on that much and look like a blow up doll, or some circus freaks, might as well a cadaver, since lots of ppl asking me what make up do I use. Which was funny, cause most I can afford was from drug stores, and Asian product lines like The Face Shop and Elianto. I do have some MACs and others but I rarely use them.

My skills became much much better too, and once again thanks to youtube, and I am getting the hang of using brushes and sponges instead of applicators provided. Sad that the blusher I bought for my mom doesn't really works for me as it work wonders for her skin. Different complexion sucks. But for my lips, I rarely put anything on it, rather than my usual lip balm. I think most lippy aged me.

Back to my self again, of course back to the 'rajin' me of actually taking care of my skin. Make up remover, face wash, toner, moisturizer, face cream, Vaseline, and dark circle reducer almost every night. I'm using the stupid garnier roll over which doesn't really works so much. I need to splurge on Clinelle again. Oh well, something is better than nothing. At least I am not a panda every morning.

It feels awesome, honestly. Other than the fact that it gains me massive confident every morning. I don't even care so much that I have a tad of love handles. Haha. A good thing it was.

On a side note,

I think so far, this is the most awesome moisturizer for my skin.

Despite the fact it is kinda cheap, it works better than Lancome' and Body Shop that I tried before. Thanks to Ana's friend Anis. :)

Hello world!

2010-10-20T22:02:00.000+08:00

So far, everything is going well according to plan.

I know you guys are wondering, and yes. I was keeping it under the radar until I really started my training before informing ppl whr I actually work.

Its Citigroup. As Anti-money Laundering Analyst.

To be honest, the job scope is kinda boring. But, more career growth than other stuffs I was offered.

I was very lucky, that I managed to convince all of the 5 interviews I went. So, I have 5 jobs to choose from. I think choosing this one is the smartest, even though thr is this 1 particular job offered more salary, but:

A) Citigroup work hours are only 8-9 hrs mostly. While its 10-11 hours for 'tht' one.

B) 2 days offday for citigroup. 1 day for 'tht' one.

I am still too new to talk more abt the job. :) But right now, I am rather happy.

100234245359385 more stuffs to go.

Happy! :P

2010-10-14T18:33:00.002+08:00

I AM NOT JOBLESS ANYMORE!!!

Hehehehe. After a month of doing nothing and being fat, I landed an awesome job!

Ok, not that awesome. But the salary is kinda yummy.

Wish me luck guys. :)

Drugs.

2010-10-11T13:43:00.002+08:00

Its one thing if you are taking drugs. I don't give a shit. You want to hurt yourself, you want to make yourself high. Your life is just like a pile of craps, that you have to face daily. Again and again, and you need it to get through the day. Huh.

Is it my problem? No its not.

Is it my life? No its not.

But when you are sick, you are gonna make my life a living hell.

I have my life too. I do. It seems mean getting angry at sick ppl. Its a mean mean thing.

Not everyone is the responsible type. Most of the time, they just gonna let go. Hoping that a certain someone can take care of everything. Putting all the burden on one particular person. While they can live their life. Take care of their own problems.

I am not married.

I am jobless.

Everybody knows that.

Doesn't mean everybody can throw me under the bus every time.

I have no options. Its me, not saying no when I can do it. But at the same time, the others just lay around, have their own life. I AM JEALOUS AND ANGRY.

Come one, since I was 19 I've been taking care of sick ppl. Travel around here and there.

Now I'm out of topic. See, how messed up I am.

I hate ppl who take drugs. I hate drunk drivers.

Druggies - You messed ppl's life when you are sick. If a person is genuinely sick, for some reason god made them. I understand. But these ppl. Why on earth do you want to do tht to yourself. Why the hell do you want to not just hurt yourself, hurt everybody surrounds you with you sympathy cries. It fucking hurts.

Drunk drivers - Maybe you are still alive right now. But one day you might cause somebody their life. I said HAHA to you.

Now I really understand all the posters, of taking care of your health. Taking care of mine. Stop doing shits to my body. In the end of the day, even the person closest to you, the only one taking care of you, have vengeance inside because this situation is avoidable.

All the money flowing, can flow to a better day of better investments.

If one day god provide me children, that take drugs and crap like tht. Maybe, I might just throw away. Or cry for days. I experienced shit. I don't want it to ever occur again.

If anybody reading out there are taking drugs. I hope you die soon, hit by a drunk driver.

Tanam Anggur

2010-10-04T11:58:00.001+08:00

Is very bosan.

The waiting games

2010-09-30T13:51:00.003+08:00

I'm down with a very bad headache today. I have an interview appointment supposedly, but with this pain, I doubt I can do well. Anyway, managed to reschedule the appointment though. Need to say sorry to the girl, especially she might be confused with the withdrawn application. I wrongly clicked the stupid button. Haha.

Still waiting for c******k to call me. Really hope I managed to land that one. Really2 want the experience from there. Well known company, internationally. Hoping hoping hoping hoping. :(

Its fun growing up. Browsing houses to rent. Walking in carrefour finding refrigerators, washing machine, thinking which cabinets are the best. Hihi. Still remember the past years, when all in my head was, where should I go to have fun, what to shop. Whining abt responsibilities I am carrying, when its clearly there are a lot of options to choose from. I am well grown up.

Well, plans are plans. I hope everything goes well. But whatever it is, debt must be settled first. Now, a month of being jobless I am already worrying abt my car. 1 month late payment. Sighh.

Not to forget my debt to the beloved Dira, even paying half is better than none.

Car is sheatss man. I am owing money because of you tembel. (Tembel is my car name btw. :))

Till then. Wish me luck in life!

Now and Then (1995)

2010-09-04T12:02:00.000+08:00

There are things that will happen to you that you can't stop. But there are no reasons to shut out the world. There is a purpose for the good and for the bad.

Brain

2010-09-03T03:28:00.006+08:00

There must be a reason why did god gave us brain.

To think.

Every time when I am doing something nowadays, I'll pause myself and think. I use my brain to learn. I use my brain to rationalize. I use my brain to distinguish between right and wrong.

People always say that just follow your heart. Doesn't mean that you have to throw your mind outside the window just because your heart is saying so. Thinking too much have their consequences as well.

What do I, as a human has to do then. The world is confusing. Its like, theres a hidden button somewhere. Choosing doors after doors, finding the right answer. Where am I now. Did I chose the right button to press, the right door to enter. Am I following my heart too much, or my brain excessively.

Even if everything was balanced, my decisions were as good. What will come in the end of it?

Is it wrong to love someone wholeheartedly.

Is there such things as destiny.

Someone very dear to me once said that, we create our own destiny, there is no such things as destined together.

So, how about fate then?

Do we create our own fate too? Or there are no such things.

Mind. Brain. Thoughts.

To love is easy. The puzzles make it hard.

Pretty swans swimming in Colmar. Beautiful. Fascinating.

Futurama

2010-08-28T11:16:00.010+08:00

These few days when I am really in the mood to blog, my connection will always go sasau and mess up everything. Adoiyai.

Anyway, today my post is not abt futurama as in Matt Groening's Futurama. Hehehe. The show is nice though. :)

Well, its more abt my future. Yah, I graduated. Sort of. I always see myself living in a different place. You see, I don't despise Malaysia, some part of it I kinda like. Most of it, not so much.

Yah yah, go on and say, 'Orang Malaysia suka condemn Negara sendiri' shits. Whatever. I don't see myself happy here. Its not that I am miserable and all right now. I think I just need a little adventure. By myself, no one to nag me abt what I should do, where I should work. Hmm.

So, I started to do a little research on where I shall go.

Man, its harder than I thought. But then again, if its not hard, then its not an adventure right?

I should start to think abt the next step to take right now. I need abt 2 years of experience in the working field before I can at least get a nicer job in an unfamiliar place.

I have to be good at what I am doing. Stop whining.

Its a little funny how fast ppl grow, everything revolving around us in a glimpse. Maybe in a few months I'll be blogging abt how many kids I want. Haha.

Its a time to think. To be ready. Reach my goals.

TGI Friday's.

2010-08-23T02:22:00.004+08:00

Ok. Yes. I am working as a WAITRESS at TGI Friday's Wangsa Walk. A WAITRESS.

Of course I know, I can get better job with better pay blah blah blah all that crap. Why am I still working thr? And yes again, as a waitress?

Because, honestly. I enjoy it.

Although,

I absolutely don't enjoy working with people tht are using me.

I hate it when ppl talk bad abt 'him'.

From the beginning, I know that I am taking the wrong path for my working life. Come on ppl, do I really look like a chemistry degree holder? All the molecules energy neutrons stuffs. It is interesting. But not too much to get my full attention.

All my life I've been searching of what do I really like, what gain my interest the most.

And I found it in Fridays.

Despite the fact tht I'm working too hard, I get stressed over stupid ppl, all the shits surrounding me, I still enjoy learning everything abt Fridays.

I know I am earning less than some ppl, but I love the process.

A job tht really challenge me, physically and mentally.

Please stop lecturing me abt getting a job in a hospital, or some crappy things like RA or what not. I'm sorry. It is just not my thing. I am awesome at what I am doing now. Less appreciated, but whatever.

Dead tired, but feel awesome.

In the end of the day, some of you are more miserable than me. Haha.

Birthday!

2010-08-13T10:32:00.002+08:00

Another year, another celebration, another date of getting older.

I thank god that I am still breathing at this moment. So far, everything went fine. I am loving every moment of today. Waking up with a warm smile. Sad that I have to work today though. I hope they will be giving me the easiest station to run. Dream on Syaz. haha

Honestly, I don't need expensive gifts. I just want ppl to make me smile the whole day. Sometimes, I do like to show my dimple around the whole day. I hope today will be the day.

My wish for my 22nd year of living, living my life to the fullest, while smiling the whole time. Sadness come and go, but I want Happiness to stay with me.

Quite happy I am getting thinner and ppl realizing it. Haha. I am not sick thin btw, just losing weight. Already 7 kg to be precise. :) I hope I can lose more, but even if I can't and I stay this way, I am still glad. :) I feel awesome.

I don't have big appetite problem anymore, and not eating Mc Donalds really help me to sleep at night. Having skin problem though, thts a suckie.

I guess even from the way I blog these days, showing that I am growing up. I am happy and calm, less jumpy. Hihi. I am glad. Glad indeed. Hoping I will stay calm and serene forever.

I love you life. No matter how hard you can serve me at times. Wait, I am serving you. Haha.

Till then,

Happy birthday Syazlyna Haron.

Today

2010-08-08T17:04:00.002+08:00

Diarrhea. Fuck you Maggi Goreng from Teh Tarik Place.

Okayy. Not a good way to start blogging again. Already a year since I post anything in my page. Huh. I am sorry blog.

I know its a little bit mean to tell or post pictures of myself enjoying my life so fast. But yes, I am so happy.

I am very happy even I am stuck in the room alone, with the toilet as my new boyfriend.

I am happy even I have tonnes of pills to swallow.

I am happy.

For some reason, I stop hating, despising, thinking why life is like this to me, acting miserable like I'm at the edge of the world.

I am happy to wake up every morning.

To sleep every night.

To be with you everyday.

I'm at my peace. Maybe I'm maturing, I don't know. I'm glad I can feel this way.

Serenity.

Masih busy

2009-09-02T23:57:00.000+08:00

Yea, smpai bila pn x taw!! :(((

Saya busy

2009-08-25T23:05:00.001+08:00

Tapi malasssss nk study.

Esok exam, nx day exam.

Exam exam exam!!

Haih..

Wish me luck!

p/s: byk gila benda nk blog. Tp mls nk type. Haha

Saya tahu camwhore itu salah. :P

2009-08-24T00:23:00.005+08:00

"Mama, nina x byk duit la nak beli longsleeves banyak2. Bukannya murah. Da memang sah la longsleeves ni lagi mahal mahal mahal dari shortsleeves nina yang berlambak2 tu. Da la nanti nina x boleh pakai, Op kakya kebas. Jeles laaaa"

"Apa susah, beli je la inner. Murah. RM 10 je. Then pakai je la ngan baby T yang konon berlambak x reti nak basuh tu."

"Claim kat mama bley? hehehehe."

"Ceyt. Tgkla camne. Haa, kan da x bley seksi2 pakai je la tudung. Bukan kau x reti pn. Mama tgk budak pakai tudung nowadays lagi stylo dari yang x pki tudung pn. "

I just smiled and walk away.

I don't have anything against wearing tudung, and maybe one day I will. But when that time comes, I hope I will wear tudung not on off on off, I will wear tudung constantly.

Right now, I am not ready I guess. I know myself, and I don't want other people to see me wearing tudung today, and without tudung the next day. I personally think girls who do that are kinda annoying, like they have 2 personalities.

But that is just me, I guess I should stop judging.

Syaz, stop judging.

So, after a trip to mines with my bro to get the inners, I drove to granny's as today I already promised her to buka puasa at her house. As usual, she gave me money. (hehehehe) She told me, to buy like shawl or something to cover my neck while walking under the sun.

At 830pm and I was driving back home from granny's, oncen asked me to stop at tesco as mom ask him to buy some food for his midnight supper. Walking and walking, I found these super cheap shawls, and granny already asked me to buy shawls, I just figured it was wise for me to get it. :P

I was soo excited as I reached home, wanting to try my shawls. And since eydot blogshop bonanza, everybody like super excited about shawls, I somehow found it interesting, and kinda want to try it. :PP

So, I tried. :)

Lame smiling shot. :P

Ni namanya pose tunjuk jerawat. Hahahaha~!

Ni pose yang Yuna slalu buat. :P

Ok, again I'm telling you guys, I'm not ready. This is just a mengada try out. And I didn't know shawls are that easy to wear. Haha.

p/s: Owh, I bought 2 of the shawls actually. Another 1 is white. :P Its pashmina thingy kowt. Ntah. Yang penting cute. :PPP

p/p/s: My scar SCLE things are getting better. Yippee~!!

Sometimes

2009-08-21T13:58:00.006+08:00

Sometimes I hate myself because I'm super not good at comforting people. When anybody near me cries, I just sit like stupid, totally really totally clueless on what to do, what to say, even my gestures show that I am uncomfortable. Even if the case is not about crying, but I just need to make someone feel better, its very hard for me to do. I just really suck at it.

Honestly, I really feel bad if my bestfriend is crying, but I didn't do anything. Because I simply suck. Of course, I want to say some stuffs to make her stop crying, trying 2 cheer her up, but I DUNNO WHY I CANT??? I keep on saying the same thing over and over again, until I got scared if I am actually annoying her.

I don't like to see people close to me cry. But when they do cry, I'll be a total crap and useless, sitting keeping quiet like I am too good to even comfort them. NO! I just dunno what to say.

The most I can do, if somebody is crying in front of me, telling me their side of the story, is to just lend them my ear. I wish I can do more. I wish I can just say something to ease their sadness. I wish a lot of the simple stuffs that I can't do.

Hmmm....

Kamu, saya sorry sangat2 sebab saya x reti nk pujuk. :( But atleast I was there aite?
Anyway, don't care whatever people say about you, and as we made a pact of not saying bad stuffs anymore about other people unless they really really really really pissed us off, I hope the pact is still on.

We must be the bigger person, like you always tell me, "Kalau kita bengang ngan orang, x semestinya kita yang betul. Mesti kita pn ada salah, and orang tu pun tgh bengang ngan kita". So, whatever happens, how awful the turbulence, we must overcome it our way. And our way is to be the bigger person aite?

So, x kesah la orang nak ckp ape, as long as kita mind kita punya own business, kita study dapat result gempak2 dis sem ok.

I hate to see you cry la budak kurus. :(

Ok, luahan perasaan merapu tadi. :P

Anyway I wore my white beanie to class just now. I think I look rather fine. :P Plus, there are a lot of supporters rooting me to wear it. Haha. :P (supporters kawan2 je. :P)

Cambest kan? :P

Next week is a hell of a busy week. 3 midsem papers, need to call the kakak sol-gel lab to learn about the sol-gel thesis things, assignments... AIYOOOO~!!

Can I duplicate myself to complete all the tasks? Tak cukup tangan dah ni. :((

Owh, Selamat berpuasa rakan-rakan! :)

Cap cap hat?

2009-08-20T23:01:00.004+08:00

As I told you guys on my previous post, doctor prescript me to wear cap/hat or use umbrella when I'm walking under the sunlight. As in, daily.

I am not a fan of cap. I just think caps are tacky, and totally not me. I am not a girl who can pull off caps also though.

I was accompanying Nay to survey HP Mini, so as he parked at Sungei Wang, I guessed it was not wrong to survey cap or any head stuffs as well.

So, even I tried to like cap, its just really really not my thing. I kinda like the one army like, or something like that. I know in Sungei Wang there is this 1 shop which sell only caps and hats, but I was too lazy to find the shop, as I already forgot where. Maybe next time I'll find it, and buy the army cap thing. :)

Anyway, I was attracted to this beanie cap or something, I don't know. Again, I am not a fan of head accessories. I am very new to this cap hat stuffs. Haha. So, I bought two of the beanies, brown and white. With good bargain though. :)

I think its cute. :P

Anyway, I kinda like Fedora Hat too. And no, not because I like Johny Depp, neither I'm in love with Michael Jackson, I just think it looks nice and cute. :P

See? Kinda cute aite?

But Nay said, it wouldn't really cover my face from the sun. Plus, I will look odd wearing it in Malaysia. Haha. Maybe. But I have a reason to wear it. Not just poyo2 wanna be stylo. :PPPP

But right now I might just stay with my 2 beanies. Until I have more money to buy other head gears. (Duet ohhh Duet~~~~ ! Nape la kau mesti habes2 la ape kejadah sume. Sigh~!)

Thats all folks. Muacks~! :)

Bila da nak malang kan

2009-08-19T21:16:00.005+08:00

Ok, you know the thing on my skin thats bugging me for almost 3 months and I have been cursing and cursing, telling everybody that it is stupid infection?

Funny thing, it is not infection. Haha. My second misdiagnosed. Lol (hand quote)

Anyway, I visited the dermatologist today, a pretty nice woman by the way, told me it is actually a skin disease called SCLE. Which means, I can't stand the sunlight. If you guys really want to know more, you can google : Subacute Cutaneous Lupus Erythematosus.

And its not I just can't be under the sunlight at the meantime. Its PERMANENTLY people.

Can you imagine, me of all people. Can't be under the sunlight? I LOOOVVVVEEEE OUTDOORS! Sob.

The doctor asked me to wear longsleeves if I'm going out which I will somehow be under the sunlight (I mean come on! Malaysia, everywhere there must be sunlight!) with long pants, and being outside for long is a total no no. Wear a cap/hat (I don't even like those!) to make sure my head + face to be covered from the sun or if I am too embarrassed, use umbrella instead. I just have to cover everything like malay saying, "Puteri Lilin".

She was a little excited even, snapping my scars pics and called her intern showing the scars. She said, its kinda rare this problem, especially in Hospital Serdang. A way of saying, I might be the first, or the first she wanna do further research on, or I dunno. She said the pics are for case studies, or for learning process. Not the best for me to pose as a model. Sigh~

I have 2 more appointments after this, a skin biopsy next week and follow up next 6 weeks.

Nay was scaring me, saying they will cut my skin on the biopsy. I'm a little scared out of my pants. The thought of them cutting and sewing back my skin is enough to make me black out. And that is just like super minor operation. SUPER MINOR. Haha. Mom told me I'll be awake though. Meaning I'll witness the blood flowing. Yek!

Ok, the thing is. I am little upset because of this. I have a lot of outdoorsy things I like to do before certain age, that I planned. Now, I obviously cant do it.

I am not a big fan of shopping, and my dear sadness me, I bought an outdoor running shoe but I can't use it. I haven't even use it. :( Well, A lot more actually. Haih. Let me correct myself then. I am UBER UPSET. :((

Called Mimie and nangis cam bodoh. Hahahahahahahahhahaahahahahaha!!

I guess there are more indoor stuffs to do other than shopping. Erm, gaming? Reading books? I'm not hating all the stuffs, just I dunno, less thrilling?

But like Eydot said, "Lepas ni kau boleh jadi putih". Yah, she is right though. Even I don't really fancy being fair, but mebbe this way I can be prettier la kowt. Ntah. Haih..

Anyway, let me show you my medicine/cream k? No pills because the doctor said the pills are not good for my health. Because of steroids or something like that. Its like, not good as in long term. Unless, I am not curing, she will consider giving the pills.

Haa~! Amek kau! Byk kowt.

Ni cream for badan.
Bersteroid kuat sikit, so x bley pki kt muka.

Yang dalam case tu sunblock je. Kat sebelah sunblock 2, cream utk muka.
Cream muka tu ada steroid gak, tp kureng sikit.
Sunblock bley pki ape2, yang dia bagi tu neutrogena. Bau dia cam sedap, aku cm suka gak la. :P

Ni moisturizer.
Shalini si bakal doctor ckp, ni utk avoid irritation bila pki cream yang bersteroid.

Hari muka berminyak. :)

2009-08-16T14:10:00.009+08:00

The plan was : 4pm-9pm. Gonna start with an English Tea Party until 6, and continue with barbecue after that. The attire for the tea party is kinda formal, I mean, not that formal, but not jeans and tee, boring. And change for the night, as we need to barbecue.

But since everybody can't stay long, (Kamal need to go back to Melaka, Boolat and Mimie got a kenduri they need to attend, Lylia also, and Sabrina suddenly got MTV World Stage ticket from Eyka that morning, to add up, Naythan is sick) we changed the time from 1pm-7pm. No changing2 la kowt. Dira was a little upset because of this, but babe, it was still on and we had fun aite? :)

Tasha and Kroll didnt manage to come, because of universities stuffs. :(

Anyway, Nay and I arrived at 130 pm and the food wasn't ready yet. Haha, so even I was already dressed up, I helped Dira and Sab preparing the food.

So, here are the pictures with stories. :)

Our Red Velvet Cuppies!
Syaz (which is me :P) and Mimie's Birthday Cupcakes. :)

Our cake for the day. :)
Obviously Sabrina the sweet tooth baker baked all of that. :P

Ok, Budak2 ni was late. They arrived at 230 pm like that.
And Sabrina was so excited, she skipped her bath to greet them. haha.
After this photo she went and took her shower and dressed up though. :)
Dira wasn't here since she was getting ready upstairs.

The five girls was crammed in Kamal's Kancil to get here. Hehe.
I love love love Tatia's mak datin outfit. Seriously.
I dunno if everybody can pull that off, but she obviously can!
Ngan bulu mata unta, mmg kena~!
I was calling her mak datin all day long. hehehe.

The guys yang budget handsome. :P

Dira and Sab was still getting ready, so the 6 of us camwhored. :P
With the cat also, which I personally witnessed being humped that afternoon. Haha.

Dira da siap and muka excited gila. :P

Ally da sampai!! :))
Ally came with his guy friend who was to shy to snap any pic.
I end up with none of his pic. Haha.

My awesome katak gendut and super big ass card they gave me for my birthday present.
Thats why they were late. Carik hadiah rupanya~ Hehe.
Thanks you guys!!! :)
And the pink blanket I gave mimi for her becoming birthday.
She was happy too. Even the present ntah hape2. :P

Since Dira was already downstairs, and I was sweating like a piglet.
I cabut lari naek atas berbaring kat aircond. hehehe
Snap dis pic with Ally and Sub.
:)

Gambar2. :P

EYKA FINALLY ARRIVED!!!
You know the 'annoying-girl-screaming-running-like-crazy-drunkard' act every time people arriving. I mean, when it has been so long since we see each other, I may say it was because of the too much missing one other. We girls couldnt help to scream and shout and jump and get super excited aite?
It was driving the guys crazy. I can tell from their faces. hehehe.
Well, da perempuan nak buat macam mana. :P
I guess its ok if its just 1 time, but until 3 times?
1st : KORANGGG!!! RINDU KORANGG!!!
2nd : ALLYYY!!!! ASAL LAMBAT??!!
3rd : EYKA~!!!!!!!! jhfnutjnynrcij (Semua jadi gila sebab eyka kan gila. :P)
Hahaha, kesian the guys kan?

Sab wasn't in the pic because she was with Mizano, cuddling canoodling.
Hehe. Nah~ Was snapping pics with him. :)
Anyway, the pic until betis only coz Dira and Ally was wearing Selipar Huduh.
(Which you can see from the up pic. :P)

Eyka la ni, gila melompat.
Tgk haa~ tinggi gila dia lompat!

It was drizziling,
so Eyka and Dira became cuak, since they did their hair for the day.
Nad? Ntah pehal ntah sesat kat situ. Hahaha~

Gambar ni sesat. :P
Just wanna show Boolat dress.
Cantik kan??

Then, bye2 Eyka and Sab. :((
Tak guna punya World Stage!

Can you see the guy behind Nay?
He is Ally's friend that until now I can't recall his name. Neither do Nay.
We talked a lot, but just with, "Eyh you .... , or, Kau ...."
Kesian dia. Haha.
Anyway, while we were jumping screaming and being stupid,
The guys did a very honorable job of being patient with us, and barbecuing. :P

See? Infront of Nay is Mizano. :)

Yummy~!!

That is Mol, Dira's so claimed 'friend'. :P
Ok, how fascinating that guys can bond very easily even they didn't know one another.
I guess its their natural behaviour since they can easily be abandoned everytime girls meet their girlfriends. :P

Blowing the candle~~
Candle tu magic candle/prank candle.
So tiup mcm gila pn api dia ade balik. Haha.
Sampai berasap rumah!
After this session, Tatia, Lylia, Mimie, Boolat, and Kamal went back home.
Sob. :(

Me, Dira, Ally, and Nad spend our time gossiping in Dira's air conditioned room,
while the guys preparing the food.
Haha, so x guna the girls. :P
At 7 after eating, we went back home.
:(

Ok, ni pic Amirul and Ika, Dira's siblings that really helped a lot. :)

I kinda like this photo. :) hehehehee~
Other photos at facebook yah. :)

I really really really had so much fun~!! Even I was sweating like gila, and everything didnt went as planned, but it doesn't matter. It will better if next time, Tasha, Ana, Ejaet, and Ophie can make it though. :( (Tasha, jgn nanges2 lagi k?)

I already miss you guys la. :( Sob.

Another day of my life

2009-08-14T20:22:00.008+08:00

I woke up in the morning feeling normal, didnt know what is yet to come, but I had a little bad feeling about something, not knowing what it was or will be.

I went to take a shower, ironed my clothes, grabbed my bag and laptop and off I went to UKM. I arrived quite early, and managed to park my car at a college near to my faculty, although it was under a stupid tent.

My class was fine, nothing much happened, just normal old boring organic class. Until after class while going to toilet with my friends, Arisha told me 'something' that made me realized 'something' which kind of make me sad. I don't want to put what thing it was here, because I know there are silent UKM reader out there, reading my blog. So I rather keep it between me and Arisha, (and Naythan as well).

So, I acted like it had never happened and went to study room with Arisha later after they ate at my faculty's cafe. I didn't eat anything, since I didn't have the appetite plus, I was a little nervous for my presentation at 1145 that morning.

Practiced on what I am supposed to present until I am tired of it, and taught Arisha polymer, since she didn't attend monday-wednesday class due to 1 seminar for budak2 pandai chem at PWTC.

1120 am, I packed everything and ready to go to the presentation room. Again, I arrived quite early, so I waited until the lecturer called my name for my turn.

When the lecturer finally called me, he said, "Kamu ni ada masalah".

I mean, of course I was puzzled. He waited until S came and my lecturer kind of scolding us (me and S) because of our report.

I admit, I gave my practical report to him to copy, because I don't know, I guess I kinda pity him because of his tight schedule. But I always give ppl to copy any of my work actually. If I managed to finish it obviously.

So, the lecturer said he might fail us. I was like, so freaking down at that time. Practical report is not that easy to do, and he want to fail us that easily. S admitted that he copied me, the lecturer than said he might give us a second chance, but S need to do his own report.

The word 'MIGHT' still haunts me until now. I don't want to fail. If fail, meaning I have to do my practical all over again. Hmmm.

I was so upset, affected my presentation - I didn't present my work nicely.

After all of the upsetting and disastrous moments, I slowly walked to my car, still thinking about it. As I reached my car, I realized there is a car parked behind me. Illegal parking of course. I called Arisha and Nay for comfort over the horrible presentation incident, as soon as I sat on the driver's seat, put in reverse after that, trying to get my car out from the tight spaces the stupid behind car made me suffers.

It was IMPOSSIBLE to get my car out of there. I tried and tried, until 1 moment I was actually stuck between a Kancil and the tent pole. And the pole was practically scratching my car.

I broke down and cried like a total baby. I called Nay with tears and sobbing, I was stuck and really out of idea. Plus I don't want to worsen the scratches.

Nay told that he will come to UKM, which is 40 mins from his house.

As I was waiting for him crying, an Indian Guy knocked my window and asked whether or not he can help me. Kinda embarrassed, but I said yes and ringed Nay telling him not to come.

The Indian Guy managed to get my car hell out of there. It was hard, he had to push the pole as hard as he could, reversed my car, while I stand there being stupid and miserable. I didn't get to know his name, I mean, he told me but I guess he was in a rush himself, everything happened so quickly. Of course I thanked him but I couldn't thank him enough. To you Mr Indian Guy - Thank You again!

I went back home, well not really. Went to Kajang 1st to do threading, then to Mines to get a sandal, heels to be specific. Even after shopping, I was still upset.

Until now, I am still not at ease. I feel down, like anytime anybody scold me or say I'm wrong in some way, I'll burst into tears. Really.

Nay is here, comforting me online though. I am still sick, and upset. I'm sorry dear, if I am ruining your mood in any way.

That is all about my day. No pictures since I am not in the mood to snap any.

And yes, I am still sick.

My Birthday! Yay~!

2009-08-13T19:28:00.007+08:00

How cute, that you sick boyfriend baked a cake for you?
Well, he helped his mom, but still. I really think it is adorable~
See, he even did the 'ANGIE' writings himself, IN FRONT OF ME. :)
The cake will be expensive to buy, since I demand so bad a red velvet cake.

Dalam dalam. :)

Birthday girl budget ayu. :p

Potong2!

An attempt to snap a pic of us togeter, with the cake.
But failed. This is the best attempt though. :P

Pic ni horror gila.
Just nak tunjuk, kalau lepas mkn cake 2, lidah jd merah.
But x nmpk plak. Hehe, its ok. I'm just giving you guys some info. :)

Since both of us are sick, we have no place to go and eat.
Sore throat : No ice, no oily or fried food.
Subway is the best option.
So, after the small celebration, we went and grab a bite at Subway.

So, thats all about my birthday. No big celebration whatsoever, because I'm so caught up with assignments, presentation (which is tomorrow by the way), and midsems coming (next freaking week!). I told almost everybody, I don't want to be disturb after 6pm. Haha. That is my time to study + homeworks.

Anyway, I am so touch that almost everybody wished me. I mean like, EVERYBODY. Thanks you guys, if only all of you know how much it meant to me. I can't even pay it with the world.

Ok my sayangss, its already 8pm. I need to get back to work. Thanks again for the warm birthday wishes. Muacks2! :)

p/s: Nay bought me an awesome dress for my birthday present. hehe. Yay~! Thanks dear, I heart you. :)

Funny. :)

2009-08-11T18:34:00.007+08:00

Ok, as I already told almost everyone, shouted on my Facebook page - That I am currently sick. Sick as in fever, cough, flu, ulcer, plus my never even try to recover infection - I'm a complete package to be shooed far far away from everybody.

Obviously I blame my sick brother for this fever and stuffs, because while I was taking care of him, he keep on shoving me with his filled-with-mucus-blanket for no reason. Owh Oncen! I am so gonna kick your ass when I see you next time.

Plus this is not a very good time for me to be sick. I'll be ok or even grateful (Haha, bersyukur sebab saket. Now that's new! :P) if I got sick when my daily classes just full with lectures and tutorials. Not when I have a big presentation coming, assignments like hell much!, quizzes, plus! I need to meet my lecturer to talk about my thesis. So everyday is just pack with all the important yet boring stuffs I MUST DO, but I cant really do it well because I am - faggoty SICK.

So, last night I set a goal to myself before I tuck myself to bed. "Syaz, you have to go to class tomorrow. Have to! You may skip early morning class if you are too sick but you have to make sure that you go to see the doctor!". (monolog dalaman la ni. hehehe)

I woke up this morning feeling groggy and heavy as usual, and I was like - MALASNYAAAAA~~~.

But I stil woke up early. Well, not so early but 845 is kinda ok aite? I texted my friends telling them about my absentee, and then. I went online. (Hish! saket pn online)

The plan was just to chat with Naythan, but my fat fingers so itchy wanna open my gmail and delete the facebook reports that I had never deleted any ever before.

And I came across this email.

Hi Syazlyna,

it's nadia here from fly fm. i ws surfing the net the other day n stumbled across ur blog... interesting stuff. but one thing caught my eye, u prefer to listen to hitz cause u dont like me? i guess u cant change a person's perception of urself but u can do is, try to get them to get to know u n that's exactly what im gonna do =p add me on facebook k! the email add is nadiamishmore@YAHOO.com ... maybe u'll change ur mind once u know me better?

thanks for blogging abt fly fm's pagi show, ill b following u =) n s for my annoyingness, dont let it turn u off from listening toe the pagi show k? i promise its a great show, minus myself lah hehehe. catch u around!

I was like, OMG! The email dated July,19th and I just read it today - August,11th. In my head was like thinking, "Surely she thinks I'm so snobbish or bitchy that I hated her so bad, I ignored her totally". Anyway, she was talking about this post.

So I replied,

OMG can I kill myself now? How can you even stumble upon my blog? Haha. I'm sorry you have to read tht! :( Well, I'll try to change my perception ok? Will listen to fly fm more. :) I'll add you. Don't reject me sudah.

And the rest, I just don't wanna put everything here. Anyway, I added her on Facebook. I went and check her profile as soon as she approved me.

And I realised 1 thing....

HER BIRTHDAY IS ON THE SAME DAY LIKE MINE. HUAHUAHUAHUA.

And I keep on whining over and over again about I had never find anyone with the same birth date as mine. Bitching about it everytime people talk about birthdays.

So as a conclusion people,

PLEASE READ YOUR EMAIL.

Really guys. Especially Mizu' (Because I really think you have the potential to make money with your blog. Mana la taw, ada offer ke. :P ) Haha. Read your email. Maybe somebody is offering you something and you might just missed it or some sorts?

Like I always missed my GSC birthday coupons because I am too lazy to dig it in my mailbox. Not this year! I am so gonna redeem you coupons!

And to Nadia if you are reading this,

I do not hate you ok. I have no reasons to hate you whatsoever. I'm sorry for being a bitch on my previous post. :)

People, listen more to Fly Fm yah. hahahaaaa~~~ (Promote x berbayar~!)

Loneliness

2009-08-09T21:05:00.004+08:00

My mom just told me a great news yesterday. Well, she just got promoted and will be working in Institute Aminuddin Baki (IAB) in genting.

So, practically she will be living with my granny starting this September and in the mean time will rent a room in IAB.

The plan is : Staying with my granny and every morning take the free shuttle bus to Genting. It is not that far away from Gombak to Genting, and IAB is not that high to the sky like Genting Theme Park. But if she has to work late, she will just stay in the room.
Of course there will be a house provided for her, but it will be big, and she will just be living alone. A room will be enough.

I know I should be happy for her, I tried. But yet I failed.

Right now, I'm living in my house with my mom. My sister technically living with us, but we can hardly see her everyday. She go to work early in the morning and come back home late at night. Sometimes she stays with her friends for the night, especially when it is so late.

My brother is currently studying in SDAR, Seremban. My younger sister is in UiTM Melaka.

If my mom is staying with my granny or even in Genting, I will officially be living alone.

I can't imagine being alone everyday. Maybe I have Naythan around, but until 8pm the most?

And then, I'll be at home. With the electronics, and my pets. I'll be cooking for myself, online most probably 24/7. Will make myself busy with my homework, and study if possible. But all the activities are nothing compare to talking to an actual living person.

I am unhappy about it. I don't want to be alone. I can't even imagine my life talking to my cat all day.

So just now I went to pay a visit to my granny, suddenly it hit me. I mean, I was living with her for like 2 months straight during my practical moments. I was always there. I woke up next to her, I went to lunch all the way from my workplace to her place almost everyday, and every night I was always there to talk to her.

Even she is living with my uncle, but my uncle has his job. So, practically she is alone by herself.
I honestly miss her, and weekly if possible I want to see her. Not because she always give me money, just because I miss being there for her all the time.

Can you imagine how she felt all these whiles?

I was always there, but now not anymore. Even my house is just 40 minutes away from her and it is so possible for me to at least make an effort to see her weekly, but I always claimed myself busy, and say to myself that they will always be next week. But honestly, my life is hectic. It is not even slightly boring, I don't even have time to be boring.

But then again, she is lonely. She is even more and more lonelier than me. Even with my hectic schedule I can miss her so bad. She must be missing my presence hell a lot more.

And what I learned during my visit?

That I am 1 fucking selfish granddaughter.

I mean, it is a very good thing that my mother will be staying with her. Why am I so selfish and just think about myself? What is wrong with me actually being sad about the fact that my mother want to be with her mother. That was the initial reason why my mom applied that job. Applied to be promoted to Genting instead of taking any posts here.

Yah, it is true that I will be lonely. But its ok. I'm just being too negative. I need to be more positive and think of the good side. Hey, I can learn to be independent. More independent than living in hostels.

I'm very sorry for my selfishness.

I love you nenek. :)

I love you mama. :)

P/S : Gave granny a haircut just now. Rihanna style~ jgn maen2. Hehe. Padahalnya terpotong senget, then kena alter sampai ok. Haha. My uncle was like, "Fuh~ Bergaya!!". hahaha

Hair?

2009-08-08T14:01:00.006+08:00

Remember last time when you were younger, you always hated your own body, you own features, and if possible you want to change any of it.

But obviously YOU CAN'T?

And the only thing you can change is your hair? So as everybody start changing their hairstyle, you decided to starve yourself for the money, and experiment with the hairstylist to let say, upgrade your look?

I was one of them. :) Proudly admitting to that.

I always hated my hair. Always! I always wanted straight and shiny hair. Not even 1 kinks or 1 wavy end. I don't like any of it. My original hair, I may say it was straight, but a little wavy at the end of it.

So, as soon as I finished my high school, I went to the saloon and did rebonding.

So obviously, I looovveee it!! I mean, it was straight and awesome, blindingly shiny, and I couldn't help to feel like my face looked slimmer, what to hate about that?

As time passed by, problems appearing, hair growing. My hair was not as nice as before. I hated it, again, and straighten it back. My thick and luscious (hoi perasan gila!!) was like a myth. So I tried to experiment with it even more. I started to do highlights. I mean, I did it before, but now, it was more visible. I dared to go until streaks of blonde highlights, and I have to admit though, it doesn't look like rempit-y blonde highlights. I look, kinda normal.

When I got tired of straightening, I decided to permed it. I don't really like this phase though. The curl was too small, and I wanted it to be big curls at first.

So, I straightened it back not long after that, and having fun with colors here and there. I even once thought of going with PLATINUM streaks, even it sounded IMPOSSIBLE. I thought it will look cool. I was young, don't blame me.

Until I got tired of 'need to do hair' and my original hair suddenly grew to be curly. Ok, not that curly, but wavy. Which is odd. So, I decided for 1 last time, that time, will be the last time I gonna straighten my hair. NO MORE. I won't do anything to my hair, until my hair is fully original. No more fake straightened hair.

Ok, let me get this straight before people start thinking the wrong things. I don't think it is a bad thing to rebond our hair. I just personally tired of it. I still think straight hair is the easiest to handle, and sometimes I even blow-straight my hair to make it straight. I'm just at a phase of embracing my original hair. :)

Back to my story. :)

The phase of letting it grow was PAINFUL! I mean, kinks everywhere, I look so messy and ugly. Like I didnt know how to take care of myself. Plus, because of too much chemical and hot iron, I'm losing my hair like nobody business. Can you imagine? I'm going bald, and my thin hair was very very very ugly. So practically - I'm a troll.

I waited for almost 2 years till my original hair grew back completely. Even it was bizzare when it grew more and more wavy, but I thought I will just stick with it and be grateful. And I used hair tonic - an old school remedy, my hair is not that dull and thin anymore. I won't say it is that shiny, but it is thick for sure. :)

So, right now I am enjoying my 'new-original hair'.

I am so proud of myself, and my self-restrain from going to the saloon and straighten it again because of the awful comments people say about me and my hair. Owh, have to thanks Nay also though, supporting me all the way.

I dont give a shit about people saying my original hair is not that nice or wuteva. Because for me, I am grateful enough. And I can just go to class with my bed-headed-early-morning-just-wake-up hair. Can you? :P (Ok, this is to the bitches who keep on talking behind my back k? Not to my friends.)

Embrace the curls.. (Eyhh.. wavy laa)

WAVY IS ON!! :P

Ok, ni da masuk big curls da ni. Haha. But cantek~

I'm not a big fan of her, kinda hate her also actually.
But have to admit that her hair is always awesome.

Ok, rambut aku paling close cam minah ni la kowt.

Tapi, still pendek so x cantek sgt.
Cepat la panjang~~

WOI PERASAN GILA POST NI WEYH!!!

Article

2009-08-08T00:59:00.002+08:00

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_D6qMxMn6k_w/SlRAIXmEOrI/AAAAAAAAAAM/vdPIebzWU8I/s1600-h/Al-Islam+May09.jpg

http://www.jeffooi.com/2009/07/do_you_read_al_islam.php

Did any of you guys read this?

I don't know wether I am late about it, but whatever. Maybe it is really unnecessary for me to write about it. I guess I am not qualified enough. But it is my point of view, and I am willing to share.

I understand, that magazine/paper or any writers need to go over the edge, to the top, trying the best they can to find interesting topic to write for their articles. I get that.

I just hope that, they can do it in a suttle way, not hurting other people's feelings.

I read it, just to know about it. But later when I actually finished reading it, I found that it is a little rude what they are doing.

What if some people non-muslim actually disguised and do the same thing about it. We will also be mad, and feel it is very disrespectful to do that. I know, they are trying to raise awareness, about how muslims converting and such. But they should be more considerate.

I don't want to say much more about it.

I just feel a little ashamed over what they were doing, I have nothing against my own religion. It is totally 2 different thing.

I'm sorry if I'm offending anybody. Again, it is my point of view.

I know I should be sleeping. :P

2009-08-07T00:53:00.006+08:00

But I can't just sleep because I'm so freaking excited for my becoming birthday!! hehehe.

Why?

Because Nay will be getting me RED VELVET CAKE!

Yahooo~!!!!!

It has been soooo loooongg since I ate it. Cepat la birthday, tolong lah cepat.

X sabar!!!!

Owh, tp esok lepas birthday 2 kena present LI. Shit. X kesah la kan. (thinking of the cake deeply! hehe)

Owh cake~

Aaaahhh~ 3 layers of happiness~~

p/s : Hehe. Now officially you are getting me 1. :P

p/p/s: Ok, topic harini kurang menarik. :))

p/p/p/s: Yea mossy. Anda wajib wish saya yea. Bz ke x, Wajib!! x kira ter-ter ape ke. hehehe~

Inner Crisis

2009-08-05T23:42:00.010+08:00

I am so unorganized right now. Why? For starters, I can't even make my bed this morning. Maybe for some people, it might be nothing. But I always make my bed every morning in everyday. So, when I didn't get to do that, obviously something is wrong.

Everything is just so hectic these few days. There will be assignments to do everyday, until just now when Sabrina called me asking what I was doing, and I answered truthfully that I was doing assignment. She replied, " You ni assignment je every day kan?"

Yah, everyday I somehow have to open my book, have to go online, have to do researches for my assignment, just because I am too scared to go to my class with nothing in my head. Especially polymer, since the lecturer is freaky. She even almost ask me to go out from the lecture hall because of my attire : slipper, jeans, and tee.

But even everyday I did all of these stuffs, there were still a lot more assignments that I somehow forgot about and end up not doing it, copying people, without even trying to understand what the fuck am I copying, and feeling worthless and stupid everyday.

Every night I promised myself to study, even if its just 1 page. Even by doing that, I still end up feeling blank in class. Sad that when the lecturers ask about anything, I can hardly answer. God, I can even forget what is "nucleophile" and we chemistry students use that in any reaction mechanism regularly.

I am so regretting that I really took for granted my 1st and 2nd year. Ok, 1st year I was kinda ok, 2nd year was disastrous. I was practically a soulless body going to class. I end up failing 1 subject which is disgusting, but what do I expect. I only went for the class like 3 times the whole semester, and I don't even look at the notes given while studying for my exam, because I don't understand a single thing.

Right now, as I'm trying to redeem myself, actually going to most of the classes, listening what the lecturer teaching, I still feel like there is something missing. Like, I feel different, I was never like this. I do not study everyday, even if last time I do my own assignments, I am not the type who struggle.

I am exhausted because of the NEW ME transition, but the whole time in my head, I was supporting myself, "You can do it! You have to do it!".

Until now, when I realized that I just want to go out without thinking of assignments, or I didn't study a thing today and all that stuffs. I just want to have fun. It is ok when Nay is around, since he has this power of loosening me from stress, but as soon as he went back home, I found myself drowned in books and papers.

I'm just scared that after all I tried, after all of my hardwork, my result will still be shitty. And I will be DEVASTATED. I really hope I won't give up, but I'm just petrified thinking what else to come. What will my future be like, if I fail again? Will I ever succeed? Will I ever make enough money for my family, will I be a noble chemist or some shitty one? I just want my hard work to pay off.

Right now, I am so miserable.

I found myself still blur every time my lecturer ask anything about my 1st and 2nd year subjects. I don't think I have enough time to revise all of it all over again.

I found myself struggling to complete any assignments. And I promised myself I would not just copy anyone. I have to do it even a little.

I found myself messy, I haven't do my laundry for ages and until now my hamster's cages are still dirty. My dinner table is a horror, with all my books, papers, stationary, files, laptop, etc etc etc, and I know it is driving everyone crazy.

I found myself drained from my everyday routine.

And I still think I am not even close enough to get an A for everything.

Is it excessive thinking, or am I pushing myself too much?

Because from what I've learned, my result is actually not so bad. I won't say it is good. But it is not so bad. The thing is, I want to be good. I want people to look at me in some way. I dunno, it may sound pathetic, but I want to be SMART?

Worse that I want to work out everyday but because of all the works and tight schedule, it is almost impossible to do so. I haven't even get to use my new sport shoe. The most I did was sit ups but my bloated tummy like not even decreasing in any rate. :(

Haih~

Penyediaan dan pencirian komposit PEO-SIO2 komposit polimer elektrolit
melalui teknik sol-gel.
My thesis title. It sounds so freaky right?

Korang benci tak?

2009-08-04T19:59:00.000+08:00

Benci tak, kalau orang drive macam ni?

or macam ni?

Benci kan benci kan???

Especially bila SI BODOH 2 ni sikit2 hon hon macam orang gila. Nak bagi middle finger semua.
Kalau nk laju pegi la right lane. Kan kan? Pastu nak tail gate orang buat muka bengang hon2. Da orang kat depan pn da slow, xkn nk rempuh kowt! Bodoh.

Tetiba nak blog pasal ni, coz tadi pegi class macam byk gila spesies bongang (bodoh bangang) ni.
Not that everyday I don't face this problem though. But just now was too much!

Ok, xdela nk kate aku ni bagus sangat driving. Tapi xde la sampai macam tu.

Hish! Bengang.

Ok, tarik nafas~ hembusss~~ relax syaz~

Kalau drive kan, dari mana2 la anger tetiba datang membuak2. Kena pegi anger management agaknya. haha.

Can anybody guess what choc is this?

Its my favourite!! :)

Just to see her

2009-08-02T23:53:00.000+08:00

Just to see my mom sad, holding her tears from bursting. Its very devastating.

My family, as everybody know is not wealthy. We live a normal peaceful life. We have enough money, to eat, to enjoy a bit, and to shop necessary stuffs. If I want more that that, then I have to work for it, or using my loan money. My mom give monthly allowance of course, I won't say I completely surviving by working or loan.

It is just that, since my sister entered UiTM our spending became tighter. Art and design course, does consume more money than we expected. I am not saying I'm not happy or mad at her, I was very happy the day I received the news that she was accepted to UiTM instead of enrolling in any college, to add up taking the course that she had always dreamed of since she was little.

The first few weeks was ok. My mom still can managed buying all of her artsy stuffs. Until it was almost the end of the month, that I realised we really need the ptptn loan, since art stuffs are not particularly cheap. It costs even more than all of my chemistry books. COMBINED.

I am not angry, because of the huge amount of money my mom spend on her. Neither jealous. I am very esctatic that she perform very well in her studies, so the money mom spent on her is worth it.

But like I said, to continue our life to live happily, we surely need the loan.

Sad that since we don't have a father, the government did not approved our application.

Worse, even if they approve, my sister can only get RM 500 a semester. What crap is that?
My mother is not rich, and a single parent. It is very unfair to be treated like this.

The process of trying to apply, headache about can't get anything about my dad, was already troublesome and consumed pretty much energy and thoughts. In the end we got nothing.

They said, only people without father - as in the father died, can be accepted to use the NO FATHER exception. Like in our situation, we cant use that.

And how do they expect us to find our father? He wont help even if we found him.

I don't get it, that they approved people with both mom and dad, just because they completed the documents.

Just because of father's details, my sister is not accepted? I mean, how cruel is that. My mother is a single parent that support us, working under the government wings for years.

I just cant see my mom looking sad because of this. I do not know wether she will cry at night, thinking of money problems. I hope it will be better.

I hope my sister will keep on performing well in her studies, and get any scholarship after this.

I hope I can stop my mother's burden in some way.

I hope Malaysia can be a better place to live in.

I'm having a hard time loving this country right now.

How mother's tears can affect us.

Sangat lama tidak berblog ni

2009-08-01T23:06:00.000+08:00

Sebab macam banyak gila la pulak assignment kn.

So.. xde pape yg menarik berlaku, except~~

Teman been2 masak cake. Teman aje ok, x tolong pon. heheh.

And keluar dengan beliau untuk shopping mopping + tengok transformers. 3rd time for me. Seriously, I can never get tired watching that show.

I wanted to post some pictures of me, Sabrina's and the cakes. But since we used her camera instead of mine, I cant just simply steal hers and upload aite?

Mebbe next time. :)

I know I should upload it in facebook instead of blog, but I cant help to feel a lil more attached with my blogging friends rather than facebooks. Haha. Even, bloggers here have facebooks, but whatever I guess.

I'm sooo bloghopping and commenting after this. hehehehe. So long didnt get to online.

Plus! My infections worsen all of the sudden. I mean like, it was getting better last week but not this week.

My eyesight was sooo blurry, last 2 days because of my right eye. A little scared that the infection actually entered my right eye. :(

I hope not. Going to see the specialist tomorrow. My eyesight is getting better actually. But I'll still be going, just to check and make sure.

Wish me luck guys! :)

p/s : Ok. Start je BM. Haha. Macam poyo la pulak kan.

Right now.

2009-07-28T23:23:00.000+08:00

Right now
I'm a little lonely. My mum is outstation, my sis might not be coming back for the night, so its just me, my cat, and hamsters.

Right now
I'm missing someone so bad. Yet I don't know what to say or to text.

Right now
I'm doing my polymer homework, which is so freaking hard. Plus, I don't have a good book and I cant use sources online. But I googled book, and the preview is not so much.

Right now
Ally, Sab, Dira, and Kroll are in McD. I'm sorry I can't join you guys. :(

Right now
I need to shampoo my hair. I already skipped a day.

Right now
I'm having a shitting migraine still. From THIS FREAKING MORNING.

Right now
I'm stress, because I didn't go to any of my classes today. Due to my condition. And now, I don't have enough group members for my PIK assignment, troubling Arisha again. I'm really really sorry babe. :(

Right now
I should eat something. I just ate brownies, and that is all. I have no energy to go out to buy food. Nothing simple enough to cook.

Right now
I should continue doing my work.

Right now
Is not the best time to blog.

Right now
Shits.

Bad Day Good Day

2009-07-25T23:38:00.000+08:00

You know sometimes when you had a very good day. And somehow at the end of the day, there will be some things that will spoil your mood?

I can't tell everything here, unlike Mizu', I'm a coward shit in my pants kinda blogger.

But its just that, why is it so hard to please people. There will always be something that is upsetting, and sometimes I just wished that I were born in a different world.

Usually when I was this upset, I'll find comfort food. But I guess, since I started to eat healthily these few days, I don't feel like eating junks anymore.

The funny thing is, I feel like studying. Right now, while blogging, chatting with Nay, and Travianing, I'm reading my freshly photostats solid state book.

I hate being stressed, and with the vengeance feeling inside me.

But if I can just read, and study, without thinking so much about my problems, about hypocrisy, about all troubles, maybe it is not so bad.

Whatever it is, I'm really not in the mood of forgiving, or dealing with anyone that cant make me feel any better.

I can't look at you, so I wont be joining the family futsal game tomorrow.

Sometimes I wonder, why do you have to pick a fight at everything? No wonder a lot of ppl hate you.

I'll prove that I'll get awesome results this semester, I can be more successful than you, and I'll take care of myself better. I will not nag, I will not be selfish, and the most important thing is, I will not be even close like you.

Yes, you.

I'll be the best, in my own form ever. You can't say anything to me anymore, since you are so pathetic.

I hate UKM ok

2009-07-24T23:19:00.001+08:00

Why? Because of the new stupid Park and Ride system.

WHAT THE FUCK?????

You expect me to literally park outside, and take a fucking bus inside? BODOH.

Stupid guards summoning almost everybody. Why do they have to come out with a stupid idea like that. And the bus supposed to be there every 7 minutes. Ok, you think that is possible?

I wanna ask you, MPPs who proposed this idea and make it true. ARE YOU GUYS PRACTICALLY STUPID?

Tell me, that right now all of you guys are taking buses, to go 1 place to another. NO!

I saw you guys driving, parking at the same place like we did. Its mafan aite? Right? To be scared all the time, thinking of the parking tickets. To be late, because finding a parking space.

So stop being so dumb and make the stupid system stop.

My summons

Now this is stupid. Its park and ride not RIGHT.

See, they can't even get it right. Nak saman2 orang. Bodoh.

Ok, my day wasnt really that bad.

I finally knew about my thesis, I mean like I'm doing my thesis under supervision of which lecturer. And the result is what I wanted it to be.

I'll be doing it under Dr Azizan, who is fun. :)

And it might be in MINT Bangi~! heheheheh. No more staying for long in depressing UKM.

But MIGHT BE je. not so sure yet. Whatever it is, I'm still happy. :)

I'm a fire-woman. Hehe.

Saya Tidak Sabar. :)

2009-07-23T12:42:00.000+08:00

Saya x sabar...

Nak jumpa Naythan petang ni. :)

Saya x sabar...
Nak exercise petang ni.

Saya x sabar...
Nak shampoo rambut kejap lagi.

Saya x sabar...
Nak buat assignment polimer malam ni.

Saya x sabar...
Nak say sorry kat Arisha sebab x dtg kelas td.
(ok, ni boleh sabar kowt. :P)

Saya x sabar...
Nak ckp kat Mady, Harry Potter x best. hehe

Saya x sabar...
Nak cuci kereta esok. :)

Saya x sabar...
Nak keluar ngan Nay, pancing dia tgk muveee~~
(Padahal smlm bru tgk kowt. :PP)

Saya x sabar...
Nak kemas bilik, bagi hamster makan.

Saya x sabar...
Nak jadi kurus lagi 2 bulan. :P

Saya x sabar...
Sakit kulit saya cepat baik. :) Xde la malu nk kuwa2. 2 more weeks!!

Saya x sabar...
Nak pergi kelas esok. :)

Saya x sabar...
Nak beli sport shoe petang ni. :)

Dan saya paling x sabar...
MENGUTIP SABRINA DI KLIA HARI SABTU NI PUKUL 9!!!! Yay~~~~

Babe, miss u can die. :P

Owh, budak kurus ini juga saya miss. :)) Kita jumpa yea? :)

Interest

2009-07-20T02:04:00.000+08:00

I am one of a girl that, don't really have that much interest.

I might know a little bit of somethings, like cars, musics, animals, computers, editing, and the list go on and on, but not so much. I wont say its interest, it is more like knowledge.

I wonder at times, do I need talent before I can actually developed these interests, or is it the other way around?

Just now as mom told me about Opi in the car, how well she is doing in her studies, and she is so talented in fine arts things, that practically she can even draw using her mouth and the picture came out perfect. Her lecturers suggested for her to continue her studies in Paris if possible, as she has so much potential, talent, and INTEREST that a person has to be born with it, not practice to get it.

It just hit me, that every one around me has these things that they love and they want to know it more and more, and it really help them facing the world, and to actually have a dream to pursue.

I don't really have any. I mean like ANYMORE. I really love science, like learning. But due to my egoism to my mother, that I really hated my school showing tantrum that I want to get out from the school which she didnt even realised how much I hated it, I practically make myself a lazybum and enjoy being one.

During my matriculation, somehow I managed to pull myself through, and actually study. Listen to what the lecturer said, and somehow realised that I really enjoy Biology. Really.

But what am I taking now? Chemistry. I do not hate it. But, I think I can score better with biology. I still remember people saying, that I am not good enough for pharmacy, and I cant go anywhere with biology, trust thr here everywhere somehow forcing me to take chemistry.

Maybe its true, I dunno. But that is the only thing that I know I'm interested in, biology.

I don't have anything else that I have the eagerness, or lust to know better, to be the best or some sorts, I dont.

So, I'm back to square one, like the clueless girl in school, who don't know that much about herself.

Even I know that I adore White Orchid, I love green, I love animals, but it is not enough.

Maybe I can be an activist, but how far can I go?

What is wrong with me. I'm reaching 21 next month, a women. But I'm still not in control of my life. Maybe for once I just want to sleep and wake up, loving something, having another hobby, enjoying something without getting bored of it. Just one.

I'm just so jealous of people, like Nay with his bowling addiction, Kakya with her computers, Kairu with cars, Opie with arts, Oncen with games and a loootttt of skills, Peanut with photography, Sabrina with writings, and etc etc etc. But me? I have nothing.

Even mom said I'm very good at styling people, but yah. Where can I go? I know about make-ups and styling, because I watch and read about these stuffs. I like it, but I am more fond of doing it to others than myself. Until now I dont understand, why am I like that?

Is it the world is unfair? No. I have a wonderful family and friends, I have a good place to sleep, I have enough money to live, I have education. I just don't have that much interest.

Is it so hard to get it. Should I want something? What should I do actually? What?

Such a depressing post. Some entertaining pictures to smile at. :)

Kucing hutan ditangkap

Kucing hutan xde perasaan

Rambut oncen biru ok!

See??? XD

I'm so happyyyyy~~!

2009-07-17T22:42:00.000+08:00

Ok, to make it easier and no thrills, I finally bought a camera~!!

Hehehehe. No more using my nokia/sony phone to snap pics and this conversation to occur ever again : (G : girl, B : boy)

G : Dear, I hate to snap pics nowadays. Phone cam is so useless.
B : Ok only.
G : No, not ok.
B : Ok only laa.
G : I said no no la. The pics are not nice after uploading. Making me more and more malas to upload.
B : No need to upload la then.

----awkward silence----

G : I want a camera.
B : Easy right to tell earlier? Wanna pusing here there everywhere. Girl.
G : Ala, you also the same only. Wanna say your baby pusing2.
B : I can, because I'm half keleng.
G : Hmph!

(Ok, we practically talk in rojak grammar mistakes here and thr, pasar english + malay. :P)

So, on thursday after class, me, Nay and Arisha went to Low Yatt. To buy my camera and Arisha's laptop. Since we have Naythan the lichen who can talk in cantonese, bargaining is never a problem. We practically bought everything with a very good price. :) Ngeh ngeh ngeh.

And no, not DSLR. Just normal slim camera that I can carry anywhere I want in my bag. :) (Habis laa, semua benda aku snap pasni. hehe)

Next are just pictures. :PPP

biase2 je.. :P

Budak dpt laptop baru. ;D
Gila kejap

Gila lagi

Ngeh ngeh ngeh

Ok, cute aite? hehehehhe

Migrain

2009-07-15T18:21:00.000+08:00

Tension.

Migrain da 2 hari.

Benci, kena pg class buat2 muka biasa je x saket.

Padahal saket gila babi nk nanges hentak kepala kat dinding 10 kali.

Saketnya.......

New goal. Ngeh ngeh

2009-07-12T19:17:00.000+08:00

Ok, you know about the exercising? I'm still doing it. But I'm not losing that much weight.

So, I did a reading that if I want to lose all the flab faster, I should diet.

Since I'm having a trouble dieting, I decided to go....

VEGGIE.

Starting tomorrow I'll follow Pamela Anderson way of life, being a vegetarian.

Erm, maybe I eat meat once a week? :)

Wish me luck friends. Muacks~

See, they are welcoming me. :)

Hmmm

2009-07-11T22:58:00.000+08:00

Am I not taking care of myself well enough?

What is wrong with me, keep on being sick. Haih~

Upsetting, that my infections causing these damn scars are still not ok yet.

I'm so pissed OFF!!!!!!

Tell me, how not to be fucking fucking fucking mad?

Birthday Present

2009-07-10T18:07:00.000+08:00

Just about Nay birthday present. :) Happy birthday my dear2~ 09/07/09

The box. :)

Inside

Inside some more. :P

Yah, after the whining and pissing off over the stoopid out of stock EDC,
straight away I went to Topman. So, Taadaaa~
And the awesome lighter I bought, limited edition 2. Ngeh ngeh ngeh.

Close up of the lighter.
Nay is not a smoker. He just love lighters and collect them.
He likes silver, but I'm tired of giving him silver zippo again an again. Even different designs.
This 1 is a special edition gold, tembaga thingy. I also dunno la.
But awesome.

Ok, this is the devastated sad part of the story. Can you see the carvings? Its 'Nay Than'.
I asked for a monotype corsiva 'Naythan'. Not 'Nay Than'.
But the carving guy told me that the Y and T cant be next to each other or some sorts.
Haih. Bengang giler kowt. If I know this would happen,
I wouldnt round and round eating cream puffs while waiting for 30 minutes as the guy do his job.
I would just stay there, waiting.
But it happened, cant do anything already.

The card. Simple. :)

Inside, and jiwang2 writings. :P
Simple aite the card? Well, he likes it when its just simple. What to do.

So, thats all. Nothing much, but he was super happy with it. :) Tata~

Went shopping alone

2009-07-09T19:39:00.000+08:00

Ok, not really shopping for myself. I went to mid valley alone that day to find a birthday present for Nay. At first I kind of want to go to OU, but a little too far from UKM. Mid Valley ok la.

I went to alamanda previously to celebrate Mady and Umie's birthday, so I took the time to find anything to give Nay, but nothing much there, and Esprit in alamanda is very sad. I mean, for girls it may not be that sad, but its sadder compare to gardens' and OU edc/esprit.

So, after class I drove to midvalley, I mean gardens since I parked there, and in my head was to just grab this 1 shirt we surveyed last month, get a box, and thats all. I'm on a budget see. :P

Sadly, when I arrived at EDC, it was no more. Out of stock or season someting like that. Practically, I'm back to square 1. No idea, NON!. :(

Walking and walking, shops by shops, every inch of me was tempted to buy everything I saw there. Come on, there was not much people, the changing room was empty in most of the shops, and sale was on.

Suprisingly, I manage to hold myself. I end up buying 1 billabong going-to-class bag in Metrojaya, and thats all. Awesome? haha

I'm going to tell you a secret though, I made some sort of promise or I would say goal to myself, that I will only buy new clothes when my weight is 48. (yerps, i weight more more more than that!) And for 1 day, I tried and succeeded in controlling my lust. I'm so proud of myself.

Nay birthday presents? I'll show in my next post. I haven't give him yet. He's coming at 10 pm. Yippeee~!!!

Its much much cuter not in picture. My bag is not photogenic. haha

p/s: I'm not much of a shopper actually, thats why I dared to make a pack like that to myself. But the thought of buying just s and xs clothes is very super fantastic. Gonna diminish all M sizes. hehe.

UKM

2009-07-06T23:06:00.000+08:00

I don't really like UKM. Not because I think that public universities are not cool, and all that young immature thoughts though, I'm proud that I actually studying in a place that is not giving my mom a huge burden about the payment and etc. I just think that UKM is plain BORINNGGGGG.

I survived, living in KUSESS, KMPH. I don't know why am I having a hard time surviving in UKM.
I even pity 'them' a bit, when they think that UKM is fun? Its not that bad in terms of rules, like I can wear whatever heck I want. My everyday going to class attire is : Tee, jeans, flip flops. There is no such things as curfew, even the pak guard is not that strict. Unless you are dumb enough to mess up with them. Then you'll be screwed.

So, as I hate staying thr, I decided not to stay thr. I mean like, taking the hostel or college or whatever (actually from my 2nd year) and use my college fees for my petrol instead. But evertime when I'm at home, especially at night, thinking of the next day, stepping foot on UKM ground, god. I'm dreading every second of it.

So just now, I faced the bumpy road all the way to UKM, smiling at the pak guard, parked my car. And was shooed by the pakcik traffic guy, saying I need to find another parking. He literally, waited for me to park my car somewhere else. He even followed me out all the way. Giler betol.

So, I found another parking space and thank god I'm not a sucker at side parking anymore. If not, I'll be cursing the stoopid pakcik the whole day.

Anyway, I went to finish my practical report, print, and be happy about it.

Went to the office to pay my stupid denda, and I met Aten. Talking about how much we hate UKM sure make me a happier person. :)

So, I went through the long queue of paying, and submitting, and all shits.

Happy happy happily, I drove back home. And I know it might sounds ridiculous, but I felt like super awesome that I finally reached home. (Joy Jump!!) And I just left home to UKM for like what, 5 hours? Haha.

Anyway, I need to meet a lecturer tomorrow and ask about adding units. Which I hate also. He will make me feel more stupid than I already am, and I will feel horrible, miserable, and the hatred in me will increase even more.

Owh, UKM server also sucks, as I cant access SMPWEB to know my class for tomorrow.

As a conclusion, I hate UKM. I'm sorry, but I tried to like it.

Ni pic masa 2007 kowt. Ntah, aku google.

Continuation

2009-07-05T20:44:00.000+08:00

Friday
As a good daughter I am, I set my alarm at 530 and went to sleep. And of course, I am really a sleeper you see. I woke up when only I got my mom's text at 550.

"Nina, kami baru tiba di bentong. Lama lagi rasanya"
(yes2, my mom always text as skema as this)

Funny I wrongly read the message. I thought It was, TAK LAMA lagi rasanya. So, I rushed like hell, meaning I didnt shower, I just brush my teeth, wash my face, took my glasses, and zoomed off. Without closing the main gate. Heh.

Thank god I didn't get lost, and manage to be there on time, which was 630. I thought mom was already there, but as I text her. She replied,
"Mama sampai lg 1 jam"

Adoi. Again, a good daughter I am, waiting like a dungu for them. I was too scared to sleep, since the parking basement was dark. To keep myself awake, I camwhored. A LOT.

It was already 730, but she still havent arrive. I became worried ( For me, and for them also la), call her, and she said.
"Bus ni bodoh lambat. Lagi 1 jam mama sampai"

Yes people, I almost went crazy. Another hour, what the fuck should I do?

Txted Nay, but he was deeply asleep. Boring, I didnt even bring my psp also because stupidly I forgot. Sigh.

At 815, I decided 2 freshen up myself, since I was very2 sleepy. While I was in the toilet, mom called.
"Mama da sampai. Nina kat mana?"
"Nina kat toilet. Mama naik bus apa?"
"Bus double decker. Tolong angkat barang, ada 5 roller bag"
"Ok"

My mom, she is not a very tough person and since one minor accident that fractured the bone in her hand, she cant lift heavy stuffs. My sister on the other hand, is very small. She also cant lift the bags, that are practically twice her size. So, I went to help them quickly.

Put all of it into my small viva (until now I wonder, how can all of it fits? so weird. My car is so so small) and drove back home. They were pretty tired from the long hours in the bus, so they slept through out the whole journey. Op snored a bit, and she was so so thin. She was practically a walking skeleton.

As I almost reached home, mom ask me to stop at a nearby Nasi Lemak stall, to buy some food.

"Kejap lagi terus gerak pg melaka k? Lepas makan"
"Hmmmm... Nina nak nak mandi ngan shampoo la maa" (Me, stalling the time)
"Ok, pas nina shampoo kita gerak"
"Ok..." (sedih giler weyh time ni. Tidurku~)

I ate, showered, went online a bit, googled UiTM Melaka, chatted to Op who was so freakishly boney thin. She claimed that she was so homesick, she cried all freaking time she was there. She also depressed because she cant understand even a little bit of what the people there was saying, since their Kelantan slang was so dahsyat, and every seminar, speeches, and everything they said was in Kelantan. She hated the food, coz she don't like to eat sweet food, and food with santan (like curry, masak lemak, etc) plus there was too much scolding, she lost all of her appetite. (And I was hoping for me to lost mine. Haha)

Of course I symphatised her, and didn't say like, "Owh, so manja.. etc etc etc comparing me n her stuffs" because it was her first time staying away from home, and she couldnt understand the heck they was saying. She had to wear tudung and longsleeves, a different style of living, drastically and so sudden, I understood why she cried a lot. (I still think I'm tougher though. Hehe)

At 12, we were ready, and vroom2 again to Melaka.

Again, they slept for amlost the whole journey, until when I already reached Alor Gajah, mom woke up and tried to understand the scribbling-only-I-understand-map, which she gave up later on because it was very hard for her. (Hehe) We managed to reach there without any problems. (I'm so proud of myself. :P)

Owh, Op was wearing tudung at first, until she reached there and saw, some stylish cliques that make her doubt her own decision. Hehe.

When everything was settled, I asked mom's permission to rest in my car since I was so tired, I can hardly walk.
Owh, side note -- Saw Naqib but didnt say hi, too tired. Sorry qibby. I am not sombong or anything k. Plus, I wasnt really sure it was you until I saw your girl ema walking to your car. (or maybe her car?)

And then there was the whole wasting time of Op forgetting her college, "Tun Kudu, Tun Kudu.."
(Haih, tahu la Tun Kudu tp Tun Kudu tu kat mane??!) Rounding2 like dumbfuck, until the third round we found the place. Put her bags in her room, then bye2 Melaka.

Frustrated that they slept the whole journey again. Sigh.

Reached home, tired like nobody business. Funny even I was so weary, I still slept at 1 that night. Awesome? NOT.

Anyway, I am not mad at mom and this post is not about me, saying that I'm a very good person. Its just that, my mom don't have anyone else to do the driving, I cant expect her to drive with her fragile hand. If you were in my shoes, you would have done the same thing.

Lost 1 more kilo. Hehe. Still gemuk la tp.

Mama kepenatan

Op si kurus

Need caption ke?

Tired and more tired

2009-07-05T12:39:00.000+08:00

Celcom giving me a big trouble from Thursday. So, I cant really post anything even my eagerness to post is very2 high.

Thursday
Anyway, on Thursday as I was mentally prepared to do my report. My mom suddenly came back and ask me to send her to the airport. Of course - I cant since I dunno the place and of course, I have something to do in UKM.

Ok, she wants to go to the airport because : My sisters got a letter from UiTM Shah Alam, that she is transferred from Kelantan to Melaka. And yes, everybody is happy. Since Kelantan is freaking far ok.

So, instead of sending mom to airport, I send her to Putrajaya instead and quickly made a move to UKM. As soon as i reached there, no parking AS ALWAYS. Devastated, that I have to park so far and have to walk for so long before reaching the freaking office, only to hear the pakcik said,

"Owh, hal ini boleh settle kan hari Isnin je dik"

Shitto.

Ok, so I met a lecturer asking wether or not I can add another subject, since my previous results, I got 3cs. Bodoh. The lecturer did make me a happier person,

"Ok la result awak ni. Esp Organik. ade yang fail, D. awak B ok la tu."
"Dah nk 3rd year kan. Saya rasa boleh je. Awak jgn worry sangat la. Result awak naik sangat dari last sem. Cuma sayang x byk A."

Hehe. (tiba2 rasa macam pandai and nk serious giler study next sem. :P)

So, I settled some few stuffs in UKM. And then..

POOOFF~ my handphone went dead. Both. Shit again.

So, again I rushed back home. Coz, I cant live without my phone. Seriously, and fucking cronic. My phone breathe for me.

So, at 3 I reached home. Charged my phone, and happily went to on my computer.

Mobile partner
"Authenticating........ Failed"
"Authenticating........ Failed"

Bodoh bodoh bodoh. What I did till I deserved such a bad bad day?

I cant access the company profile, so my mood to do my report is totally gone. Totally.
Asked Nay to sit 4 my travian, and me? Kroohhhhh~

Woke up at 6.30 pm. Tried to online. SUCCEDED! Yay~!

But I was in totally no mood to do the report anymore. I just went online, surf, read, travian. Until it was 9pm and I realized I didn't really eat anything. Hungrily, start my car and went to 7eleven. I was not in a mood of eating anything, but... Vsoy attracts me. I bought 2 Vsoy and 1 maggi asam laksa. Drove back, and cook. :)

After I ate, I still found myself hungry. So, I decided to drink my Vsoy. Even I actually bought it for the next morning, since I was too lazy 2 cook, plus I am on a diet.

And...
I dunno how to open the stoopid bottle. Not even a clue. Almost cried, I told Nay who was currently online about it.

He gave me a tip on how to open the bottle without the actual opener. Which was : by using the door. Yes, the door. The holes wear the knob to lock thing. I dunno whats the actual name of it though.

I tried, and as noob, the drinks spilled all over the floor, and i only drank half of it. I was in a mixture of sad and happy, but my night could be worse.

And then... biip biip..

"Mama dalam bus dgn op. Dalam pukul 6 mama sampai station bus putra. Nina fetch kitorang ok"

HEH?? I don't even know how to go there. And at 6 AM?? It was already 11 at tht time. Asked Nay, and he told me to googled. Which I did later on.

Aiyo, was so tired and i know that i would not get my good night sleep that night. Thinking of I need to wake up at 530, I dunno the road. Haih~

At 1230 am sharp, I went to bed. Hoping tht Friday will be a better day. Even I need to wake up so early.

Giving me a lot of trouble

Excited. I'll continue about Friday and Saturday on my next post.

Stolen from mizu'. :P

2009-07-02T19:16:00.001+08:00

1.Berapa berat badan anda naik?
Ntah. X check. Penting ke? Rase2nye naik kowt, duduk rumah nenek
di sumbat makanan yummy~!

2. Benda yang anda beli sepanjang practical?
Purse Roxy, menggantikan purse lame aku yang sgt dasyat uzurnya.
Baju longsleeves nak cover parut2 bodoh sebab infection bangang.

3.Kata-kata Pedas Paling Diingati?
Takde kowt. Owh, kene marah guna photostate machine byk sgt. But, xde pape
sgt la actually. Biasa2 je.

4.Kata-kata Manis Paling Diingati?
Bahawa saya comel. Ok, fullstop. ngeh ngeh ngeh

5.Berapa kali anda potong Rambut Sepanjang practical?
Xde pn. Esok nk potong. hehe~

6.Kerja paling penat yang pernah anda lakukan?
Ape penat2 ni, aku kuat.
Penat driving je la kowt. Layan karenah nenek ku.

7.Kenderaan yang kerap dinaiki sepanjang practical?
Kenshin ku yang berparut. Viva putih yang xde tint sbb xde fulus nk buat.

8.Berapa kerap anda pulang ke rumah sepanjang practical?
2x seminggu. :)
Hari selase balik sebab nk tgk Dirty Sexy Money kt Starworld.
Rumah nenek xde 711,712,713,714.

9.Ada tempat paling menenangkan fikiran selepas balik kerja?
Kroohhhh~ atas katil, pasang aircond, comforter. Bestnye~

10.Apakah tabiat terbaru anda semasa practical?
Rajen gila - Online.
Baru beli celcom broadboand kowt. Wee~

11.Bos Yang Pemurah atau Bos Yang Sporting?
Sangat sangat sangat sporting.

12.Letak nama orang yang korang menyampah sepanjang practical?
Adela bitch bodoh babi yang guna aku.
Gemuk dan busuk.
Aku benci kau.
HAHAHAHHAHA.

13. Minggu ke berapa yang paling anda ingati?
Minggu kedua. Masa semua orang rapat, sebelum bitch babi buat hal.

14.Apa yang pernah rosak sepanjang tempoh practical?Akhlak dikecualikan.
LAPTOP! hehe. Tp, ade kebaikan jugak. Lepas hantar fix, terus active giler online.

15.Dunia ini (Penuh Tipu Daya/Harmoni Aman Damai) sila pilih satu dan komen.
Mestilah tipu daya.

16.Kerugian terbesar yang anda hadiahkan kepada syarikat?
Takde pape. :) Bosannye hidup aku.

17.Adakah SV anda sayangkan anda?
Mestilah. Aku kan comel. hehehehe~

18.Kawan yang banyak membantu semasa intern?
Rakan practical ku, Mohd Rashidi.
Tolong punchkn aku almost hari2 jugak la. hehe.

19.Gambarkan tempoh practical anda dalam satu perkataan.
Boleh la~

20.Gambarkan diri anda selepas practical dalam satu perkataan..
HOOORRRAAAAAYYY~!!!

Depressed

2009-07-02T00:23:00.000+08:00

Since everybody are having a strange depression at the same time (Mizu' excluded. Ngeh~) I'm wondering is there a season or something for this to happen?

Like for me, these few days I found myself OVERWHELMED I guess, with all of the works, stressing to do my practical report, I'm tired all the time.

I can't go out because of my hideous face, I cant see him because I dont want him to end up infected. Practically, I'm currently living in a boring dull life, everything seems so gray.

I'm so weary every time I came back from work, long hours of driving. I get easily emotional. I keep on crying every time I feel that I am not good enough, and everything is just not right for me.

I keep on keeping my feelings every time I feel like I was being used, when people scold me, I guess all the pent up frustrations is killing me inside out.

I don't want to be this mean, this sensitive, but I'm so down.

I need to go out, I need to not be ill anymore, I need A LIFE.

I don't want to do anything that I might regret later on. I just don't want to make mistakes anymore. I don't want to be scolded anymore. I just want to please everybody so everybody will please me as well.

Pls pls, this 'Depression Season' be gone faster. I can't take it anymore.

I hate tears, I hate to shout, I hate being mean.

I want to be the old patient smiling Syazlyna back.

I need a soup. Sigh~

Pic senget, mls nk rotate.
I would die for this soup now.

Piece Of SHIT

2009-06-30T16:21:00.000+08:00

I want to do a meaner post, openly putting a name here. But as I am not that MEAN, not that INCONSIDERATE, not that HEARTLESS, not that SELFISH, and not that BIAS, so I'm not putting anybody name here. Just in general.

As everybody in this freaking world already know, that I am very close to be an animal activist. I don't just like animals, I adore and love them as well.

However, I don't hate people who don't like animals. I understand that it happens. Like me, I don't really like Louis Vuitton bag ( yah, its true! ) and i always wonder why do people adore those bags. I even respect them who admit it clearly to the world that they don't like animals, even if its the cutest thing like cats or dogs. It is better than they being fake, admitting something and actually doing the other. UGGGHH, benci gila kowt.

So, if you actually like, let say an IGUANA and decided to rare an IGUANA. Of course you SHOULD take care of it nicely, as you already take and have the responsibilities for the IGUANA. You shud feed it, take it to the vet, clean it and by mean cleaning it is EVERY SINGLE PART OF IT.

If you just think that you can do all that, but you are not so sure of yourself , then you better don't.

You can't just use other people because you are to lazy. You can't just go and have fun without asking the other people who is taking care of your pet, even how nice they are. YOU CAN'T JUST THINK ABOUT YOURSELF AND NOT OTHERS. YOU CANT JUST BE THAT FREAKING SELFISH AND IGNORANT AND INCONSIDERATE.

Yah, if you actually call and ask, it will be better. Even just a little, but there is still a little care, a little I GIVE A FUCK. Egro, no one will hate you atleast.

And when you already use that person, and when she/he or shemale or whatever actually return it back. YOU SHOULD AT LEAST SAY THANK YOU, before you said you are done with the IGUANA and want to give it to other people. SHIT YOU.

Think before you do anything, don't just talk cock.

If you are A PIECE OF SHIT, warn me earlier next time.

Ok, bye.

p/s: Its not an Iguana btw.

I'm a freaky female with a sexy smile who ran shirtless with a horse because I got abs!

2009-06-29T23:42:00.000+08:00

First, add "I'm a/an" on your title, then add the rest of the answers on as you do the questions.

Tag 10 people
tag the person who tagged you

What color/kind of socks are you wearing?
[ ] Red = loud
[ ] Green = stupid
[x] None = freaky
[ ] Fuzzy = gorgeous
[ ] Yellow = innocent
[ ] Purple = a little too happy
[ ] Black = emo
[ ] Stripes = funny
[ ] Gray = skanky
[ ] Pink = preppy
[ ] Light blue = sweaty
[ ] Other = hot
[ ] White = sexy

What kind of pants are you wearing?
[]Shorts = cutie
[ ]Skirt/skort = skank
[ ]Corduroy = faggot homosexual
[ ]Tight jeans = scene kid
[ ]Ripped jeans = emo
[ ]Cammo = cage fighter
[ ]Jeans = prep
[ ]Pajamas = pimp
[ ]Cargo = clown
[ ]Sweats = athlete
[ ]Boxers = brat
[x]Booty shorts = female
[ ]Capris = Gangster
[ ]Nothing = hoe
[ ]Dickies = weirdo
[ ]Bikini bottoms = tiki girl
[ ]Other = sex addict

What is your natural hair color?
[ ]Auburn = that every one wants to make out with
[ ]Blonde = with a broken heart
[x]Black = with a sexy smile
[ ]Dark brown = with a hot boyfriend/girlfriend
[ ]Red = that likes to have fun
[ ]Brown = who loves to be different
[ ]Dirty blonde= with a nice ass
[ ]Bald = with herpes

Pick the month you were born on:
[ ]1 = who ate
[ ]2 = who needed
[ ]3 = who killed
[ ]4 = who shot
[ ]5 = who killed
[ ]6 = who smoked with
[ ]7 = who banged
[x]8 = who ran shirtless with
[ ]9 = who got stabbed horribly by
[ ]10 = who cuddled with
[ ]11 = who slept with
[ ]12 = who ran naked with

Pick the day you were born on:
[ ]01 = the kool-aid man
[ ]02 = a dog
[ ]03 = a shoe
[ ]04 = a toothbrush
[ ]05 = Santa Claus
[ ]06 = The Trojan man
[ ]07 = Barney the dinosaur
[ ]08 = a prostitute
[ ]09 = a porn star
[ ]10 = a bag of weed
[ ]11 = my lover
[ ]12 = a glass of milk
[x]13 = a horse
[ ]14 = an orange
[ ]15 = a stripper
[ ]16 = a pickle
[ ]17 = a jew
[ ]18 = a homo
[ ]19 = a lesbian
[ ]20 = my mom
[ ]21 = a homeless guy
[ ]22 = a whore
[ ]23 = my crush
[ ]24 = an easter egg
[ ]25 = a jar of honey
[ ]26 = a condom
[ ]27 = a bowl of cereal
[ ]28 = a french fry
[ ]29 = your dealer
[ ]30 = Paris Hilton
[ ]31 = your grandma

Pick the color of the shirt you are wearing
[ ]White = because I love marijuana
[ ]Black = because I'm sexy as hell
[ ]Pink = Because the lil people told me to
[ ]Blue = because I have AMAZING boobs
[ ]Red = because I'm a pimp and your jealous
[ ]Polka Dots = because I hate my life
[ ]Purple = because I'm gay
[ ]Gray = because I got dared
[ ]Other = because that's how I roll
[ ]Green = because I'm good in bed
[ ]Orange = because I smoke crack
[ ]Turquoise = because I have a noodle in my nose
[ ]Brown = because I had to
[x]Shirtless = because I've got abs

I'm tagging YOU~

Bye Bye Mr Bu..

2009-06-29T15:25:00.000+08:00

Mr Bu is a bird, mama saved from dying because he was stuck to the 'gam tikus' mama put behind the kitchen door. Mama was trying to trap the rat actually, but Mr Bu was very unlucky.

Mama cleaned him, as the 'gam tikus' was all over him and put him in my cat's cage. He was very sick, and just went through a near death experienced. He obviously couldnt fly at that time, so we put him in the cage because we didnt want Tar2 (our house cat, she is a kucing hutan btw) to kill him.

I didnt really care about him before, but after awhile, especially during last weekends when I was really alone at home (everybody went to Kelantan) I became a little attach to Mr Bu as he is always there to accompany me through my lonliness. I can't go out because of the infection, and Tar2 was out somewhere and came back only later at night.

He will peck and peck everywhere when he got better and will jump, making these noises. But I got used to it and I always online on the table which is next to the cage anyway.

Just now, as I arrived home as usual I called him, "Mr Bu~ Mr Bu~". But he didnt jump or peck anything. I became worried and I checked his cage -- Mr Bu is not moving. I poke him using a stick, and he is still not moving. Mr Bu is gone..

I called my mom and she sound so upset. She ask me to burry Mr Bu, but I just can't do it alone.
I still don't know what caused his death, he was fine this morning.

I'm still sad.

Bye2 Mr Bu. I hope you are enjoying heaven by now.

I will be missing you Mr Bu. *Sob sob sob*.

Arwah Mr Bu punya cage.
Gambar Mr Bu masa hidup xde. :(

Okay, clearly I'm bored

2009-06-28T23:30:00.001+08:00

I'm so hungry.. Nothing to eat, I'm on a diet, miserable~!

Checking out the fridge, my Hershey's is still there. But left so little. :(

Upset upset.

Then, my gedik hand with a very good chi chi, open up the fridge drawer. And... Tadaaa~!

See see! Awesome~!

Life is good~~ Hehehe. Mama's attempt of hiding it from me : clearly FAILED. Ngeh ngeh ngeh.

Owh, did I tell you that I am on a diet? hhehehehehehehehhe

Should I eat it, should I, should I??

(Yah2, I'm not fully cured yet. Its getting better though)

Nah~ I'll pass. I'm going to sneak 1 packet before going to work tomorrow though. Hehehe.

Anyway, I came across these pictures and just have the mood to upload it.

Slowing down..

Moving~

My side~

Can you believe that I snapped these pics while driving? I mean, not really driving la. It was freaking horrible, terrible jam so I got bored. My Kenshin (my car's name. :P) is a manual transmission car, so I got very tired as well. Sleepy in fact. I just wanted to be more awake. :( Dont blame me, blame people with cars! :P Yes dear, I will never ever do this again, PROMISE! :)

Alryte, nk budget cun kejap.

Ok good nyte. :)

Adakah kamu botak?

2009-06-28T20:28:00.000+08:00

Okay, I'm so freaking bored right now as I am doing nothing and Nay is taking his shower (at his house la obviously). So, I decided to promote this 1 thing : ubat botak. Hahaha. No laahh, its just a hair oil like that that will thicken your hair, make it darker, and help with dandruff problems.

Okay, I lost a lot (and I mean A LOT) of hair due to extreme addiction of doing hair last time. So, my hair is no longer shiny and very black like before (Aduh, perasaaannn). And I began to miss my old hair. Waiting for my hair to grow back was very torturous. Kinks and frizz, my worst enemy that keep on bugging me like cheerleader bitches bugging a nerd, get the metaphore?

Moving on, I can still bare the kinks, but I'm losing hair like crazy. Until I cant really tie my hair without the hairband falling down, slowly. And its not because my hair is sleek, simply because there are barely any hair! ( hyperbola pulak. :P ) But seriously, it was very bad.

I tried few expensive remedies recommended by the pharmacies. It doesnt works as good as it was promoted though. Until 1 day, Arisha showed me this 1 product from Mustika Ratu that really helped her. So, that week itself I went and buy the product. I'm happy that it works, but the thing is, it makes my hair dry and I'm not really fond of the smell. It makes me dizzy at times.

So, I stopped using it of course. I'm still losing my hair, but my hair is already thicker and the amount of my hair loss is just average. I guess it wasnt a problem anymore. Except, I want my hair to be shiny. Like before. (byk songeh gila kan?)

My aunt from Singapore came that day and bought this hair oil for my aunty (which my aunty gave my granny later on). Since her (the aunty from Singapore) hair is very soft, silky and shiny, of course the feeling of trying it is very high for me. So I ask my granny for a trial before buying it. And.... hehe of course I like it since it dont have any funny smell and yes, I grab it straight away during an outing. :P

And guess wut, my hair is so thick now I'm having trouble using butterfly hairclips. Yet, I'm so happy. :) Anyway, my Singaporean aunty bought it in Johor though. She said it was nowhere to be found in Singapore.

So, here it is. :)

Alaaa, bukan mahal pun. :P

Ok. Thats all I wanted to share. Bye2. :)

I'm a big fat liar

2009-06-28T11:39:00.000+08:00

I'm not saying I'm lying about my life. But a little tiny part of it. Okay, now that is a lie too. I lie about my weight, ALL THE TIME. But I always thought It was never really a big problem, because as far from what I realized from the media, women lie about their weight all the time. The only one who really know my unhealthy eating habit, lack of exercise is Nay.

I admit that I totally hate it when everytime people meet me, after awhile of not seeing me they will go like, "Eyh, kau da naik badan sikit eyh". And I will say, "Tak kisah la, gemuk la comel". Well, 'gemuk la comel'? that is a bull crap, totally shitting. I hate gaining weight, but I am too freaking lazy of exercising.

There was this one time when I was driving to work, fly fm (btw, i prefer hitz fm more , but ntah nape ntah pagi tu nk dgr fly pulak. Tak suka Nadia. Hahahahaa) was like asking listeners to call them and finish this sentence, "Fat people are...". So, a lot of ppl called and gave this wonderful posotive feedbacks like, "Fat people are happy people, fat people are cute people, etc etc". So, as I am in 1 of those fat people smiling a bit happily. But as I came back from work, lying on my granny's bed, playing harvest moon on my psp, it suddenly hits me. I am not happy. I am not even close to happy about my weight. I cant wear my nice clothes, instead I watch my sisters wearing them. I am not jealous of their thin slender body, I'm just a little upset with my overly curvacious bulging here and there, muffin top, not nice to look at anymore body.

I just want my old weight back. I want slim after SPM before Matriculation body back. I don't mind being busty. I just want to be slim, without bulges here and there.

So, I am on a mission. I'm trying to do some exercise daily, and not taking fried or fast food that much. Exercising, is not a big problem for me but eating is. I mean, everytime when I'm too lazy to cook, just dial the number and Domino or McDonalds will just be right in front of the door. Or, when I don't have enought money, I will just fry anything that I can touch in the fridge. Because its easy food. Fast and filling. But extremely fattening.

I eat vegetables, but I'm not really a big fan of it. I'm trying to eat more vegetables, take my breakfast, and drink more H2O. I hope I'll succeed. I'm in my own version of 'The Biggest Loser'. :P Wish me luck guys~!

Current weight lost : 5 LBs. (Adoi, penat je 1 minggu. 5 paun je aku lost.)

Food is still giving me a trouble, but I'm still trying to handle my lust. Please please, no more McDs! Shit you metabolism shit you!

I'm targetting

Who is she? Megan Fox - duh~ But that is pushing luck. Almost IMPOSSIBLE. So, what about...

her? Kim Kardashian of course. I mean like, I'm not really a big fan of her, but I'm trying to be more realistic people. I have those bust and butt (smaller still la..) so, just a thought. Just a THOUGHT.

p/s : I'm sorry if any of you guys who are a little bigger frame than me who got offended with this post. I'm talking about my side of the story. If you have your own opinions, then just stick with it okay. :)

If only they would understand...

2009-06-27T20:19:00.000+08:00

Currently I am alone, taking care of the pets (4 hamsters : Remy, Ema, Cyleb, and Gooch2, Fishes, Mr Bu the burung, and Tar2 my kucing hutan) in my house. To add up, I am taking care of my friend's kittens, Yuna and Tiara.

They were cute, and i used 'were' because - they are very ill now and losing their precious Persians fur. Both of them are now having a terrible flu, eyesore, and ringworm all over them. They were fine and happy before this. Yuna is the worst.

So, as I cant return the cat to its owner, who is my friend last Friday due to some issues, I am taking care of them now. In Fact, I love animals so it is not a big problem to take care of them.

It is just that, it is totally different now. When they are very sick. I mean Yuna especially, I cant like look at her for long, because I feel guilty since I cant cure here straightaway. She looks like a stray cat I picked up somewhere. I already took them to the vet, so there are these medicines that I need to give them everyday: 3 pills, 2 cream (1 for the eyes, and the other 1 for the skin).

So every morning and night, I will give them their food, water, and medicines.

The thing is, I am having a hard time trying to give them the pills. I have to open up their mouth, and somehow put the pills and expect them to swallow it. It is far from easy doing it, as they wont stay still and all the time, they will spit out the pills back. So I have to be patient and do it all over again, and again, and again. If its only 1 pill, still ok. But 3 pills ppl, 3!

So after awhile trying so hard and failing, I finally found an easier way for them to swallow it : Push the medicines into their throat. And they somehow can spit it back out too, but this method is faster than the previous 1 still. It sounds so cruel right? I know. I feel bad everytime when they close their eyes almost asking me to sympathised them. Its like they are saying, "stop stop please stop.." but I ignore them and torturing them even more. To make it worse, after that they have to endure to open their eyes, for me to put the eye cream into it. INTO it people, a CREAM.

1 time, they wouldnt just stop moving and I hit them. It wasnt a very hard hit, a simple little spank but enough to finally make them stay still and surrendered to me. I felt bad after that, very bad but I just cant take it anymore. My nerves was running through the roof. It took me almost an hour for a medicines session with them. Can you imagine how hard it is?

I'm hoping and wishing that they will just understand that I'm not enjoying doing all that to them. Trying to cure them is a torture for me too. I'm still wondering, instead of pills, why didn't the vet give me liquid medicines? It is still drug as cure. And we can spare the torture for the animals.

Now, whenever I'm near them they will make a sound like hating me. Although I'm trying to pet them nicely or even comforting them, they still seems scared of me.

I'm just a little sad, as I am trying to do a good thing actually. And they are terrifed of me..

They are getting better though, and they can finally jump, play a little bit. It does make me happy seeing that. I hope they will be fully cured faster.

Get well soon kittens~!

Tiara, drowsy because of the pills

You will get your nice fur back Yuna, you will.

Do you know this song?

2009-06-26T18:10:00.000+08:00

I was doing nothing as Nay ask me to rest, because of my teribble, very excruciating headache. Long hours infront of the computer, Travian-ing. (I wonder how u can b okay with that my dear) Anyway, I was watching this 1 show due to boredom entitled 'Waitress'. I know A LOT of ppl say its a boring show, so slow etc etc. But I enjoy it very much and I'm not ashamed of admitting that I watched the show 4 almost 10 times including just now.

There is this song in the show, ' Baby don't you cry', by Quincy Coleman that I really found very nice to listen to. I was trying to download it but somehow keep on failing. My limewire and torrent both went bangang. So, I went for the last best option, Youtube!

I still want the mp3 version though. Help me if you can. :)

Baby Dont You Cry - Quincy Coleman

When the world is gray and bleak
Baby don't you cry
I will give you every bit of love that's in my heart
I will bake it up into a simple little pie…

Baby don't you cry
Gonna make a pie
Gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle

Baby don't be blue
Gonna make for you
Gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle.

Gonna be a pie from heaven above
Gonna be filled with strawberry love

Baby don't you cry
Gonna make a pie
And hold you forever in the middle of my heart.

Baby here's the sun
Baby here's the sky
Baby I'm your light and I'm your shelter

Baby you are mine
I could freeze the time
Keep you in my kitchen with me forever

Gonna be a pie from heaven above
Gonna be filled with strawberry love

Baby don't you cry
Gonna make a pie
And hold you forever in the middle of my heart.

Gonna bake a pie from heaven above
Gonna be filled with butterscotch love
Gonna bake a pie from heaven above
Gonna be filled with banana creme love

Baby don't you cry
Gonna bake a pie
Hold you forever
Hold you forever
And hold you forever in the middle of my heart.

Doctor oh doctor

2009-06-26T16:14:00.000+08:00

I had never been that well before. I can get easily sick since I was young. There will always be some sickness, or fever, or rashes that somehow wanna stick with me. And always, the germs or viruses will have a hard time letting go. I'll be sick for long, it can max up until 3 months. However, I always finish up my antibiotics, and do what freaking ever the doctor ask me to.

Until last 3 years, my mom ask me to stop eating all this kinda medicine crap, because somehow, she has this weak liver thing, that eventually cant process the medicine. And will make it even worse. I was scared at 1st, thinking the only thing that make me feel better is all this antibiotics, and medicines, panadols, I'm not taking any major in biology or medicine, so i practically just trust whatever doctor gave me.

Like a normal human being I am, I didnt listen 2 my mother and i keep on taking all the medicine everytime i got sick. And even when I already feel a little better, I keep on taking it. I just hate being sick. I also got into a habit of eating multivitamins. I would spend hundreds 4 all f these. And 1 day, my mom saw me taking these multivitamins, and she totally freaked out! She told me, its ok that i don't want to listen 2 her and eat medicine that doctor gave me, but please stop the multivitamins. She was concerned that I might have this weak liver thing like what she is suffering from. Now, she can't take any medicine. So she always have a hard time of getting better from her sickness. So, she don't want me to have it also, because my antibody is known for so long to be very weak, i get infected very easily, and i did suffered from high blood pressure at a very young age. So, most probably i can get all of the genetic sickness etc. I didn't really get her, but she was quite furious so of course, this time i really obeyed her.

So, i started to take care of myself even more. Since I'm trying 2 avoid being sick. But, its just so hard.
I will have migraine, shortness of breath, and all of this sorts of thing every time i get even a little stressed. Don't get me wrong, I still take medicines, but if its really necessary. I stop taking panadols, and all of these multivitamins.

I was doing quite ok, until last year I started 2 get rashes, and numbness of tongue which the doctor said i might be allergic to some food. After studying what I eaten that few days, I realized that I cant really eat beef. It somehow doesn't cope pretty well with my body. I don't really have a problem w tht, since I'm dating a guy who can't eat beef. And it has been awhile since I eaten beef, except 4 tht 1 day i ate rendang daging on Hari Raya and this happen. So, as time goes by my rashes come and go, and I dont really take any chicken or beef that much anymore.

Suddenly this few days, I got these rashes but its different from before. It hurts instead of just itchy and everytime i feels like it stings. So, I went for a check up. I have a come and go fever nowadays, so I thought maybe it has something to do w the rashes. The doctor checked, and said its just normal rashes, so she took my blood 2 check mebbe there is any bacteria or some sorts (but turn up to be ok) , and gave me rashes medicine and antibiotics.

As always, I did whatever the doctor ask me to. But somehow, the cream is making my rashes worse.
I went and check again as what Naythan suggest me to. This time, the doctor freaked out since my rashes worsen. She suddenly told me its not just normal rashes, its some sort of fungus, and she explained to me, 'I'm very sure it is fungus since d outer part is elevated etc etc etc..' So, I just said ok, and took the medicine.

It only occured to me that night, when my granny was applying this 'daun delima' thing on my face, and do some 'berubat kampung' on me, that the doctor misdiagnosed me. I was a little upset since I didnt even know how did i can get it in the first place, since I shower like 3 times a day, ( 2 times if malas ) and every 2 days i'll shower myself w dettol. And now she actually misdiagnosed me and make me take this medicine tht make it even worse. Even she said sorry, and ask me to do a follow up this friday, I'm still a little angry. If I didnt go and check again, then what will happen 2 me?

And now I'm starting to doubt doctors. I mean like, I keep on getting this sickness mebbe because they misdiagnosed me? I'm pretty upset. And I'm taking these medicines that i shouldn't.

So, what is up w this fellow doctors? I mean like, this is just nothing, just skin. But wut if its like cancer and doctor misdiagnosed it w just normal cough? That is very bad, very very bad.

my pitiful face.

my pitiful arm.

I'm sad. Very2 sad because there are more. :(

I'm not saying that I'm going to hate all doctors, just want them to be more careful 2 avoid patient actually doubt them. I know not all doctors are like Dr House, but still..
I hope all of my friends that are currently studying medicine will be good doctors though. :)

p/s: I'm doing this 'berubat kampung' still because it works better than the cream. Still taking the antibiotics, and antifungal pills. I apply the cream only in the morning. :P

p/p/s: I decided that when i grow up, I want Been2 to be my personal doctor, and Ally to be my personal dentist. So tht, they will do the check ups more careful since they don't want me 2 end up dying or what. They are my friends! :P

I snatched this from Been2. :P

2009-06-26T16:13:00.000+08:00

Using only song names from one artist, cleverly answer these questions by posting on your blog or creating a new note on your FB page. Pass it on to people you like including me. Try not to repeat a song title. It’s a lot harder than you think.

1. Pick your artist: Carrie Underwood. :) If you don't know by now, I'm a Country fan.

2. Are you male or female: All-American Girl. ( Haha. American la sgt )

3. Describe yourself: I Just Can't Live A Lie

4. How do you feel about yourself: Flat On The floor

5. Describe where you currently live: Get Out Of This Town. :P

6. If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Ever Ever After

7. Your favorite form of transportation: Starts With Goodbye

8. Your best friend: Don't Forget To Remember Me

9. Your favorite color is: Twisted. ( Haha )

10. What's the weather like: Night Before

11. Favorite time of the day: Independence Day. :P

12. If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Inside Your Heaven

14. What is the best advice you have to give: Lesson Learned

15. If you could change your name, what would it be: You Won't Find This ( ? xde idea )

16. Your favorite food is: Just A Dream

17. Thought for the day: More Boys I meet

18. How you would like to die: Praying For Time

19. Your soul’s present condition: Wasted

20. Your motto: I'll Stand By You

Byk tak masuk akal sgt. BUT! I managed to finish it, I should get at least a lil credit. :P

Anyone who can finish it w sense, pls do. :)